


Drowning

by tvshipsandbandships



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Christopher is a Sweetheart, Eddie Diaz Needs a Hug (9-1-1 TV), Episode: s03e15 Coda, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, Hurt Eddie Diaz, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, I like making characters suffer, Insecure Evan "Buck" Buckley, Insecurity, M/M, Nightmares, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pre-Relationship, Worried Evan "Buck" Buckley
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:48:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 25,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24011587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tvshipsandbandships/pseuds/tvshipsandbandships
Summary: Eddie's not the only one who feels the whole world come right down on top of him when the oil rig tips over.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 41
Kudos: 221





	1. Why Is It Always Water?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, this is my first time writing on this website, I hope you enjoy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, this is my first time posting on this website so pls don’t roast me XD

The moment lightning struck, Buck's first instinct was to grab for Bobby, who was next to him, and push him to the ground to shield him with his own body. He readied his tense body for the chance that lightning struck him — he didn't care as long as Bobby was safe beneath him — but nothing came...nothing but a deafening crash that caused the whole ground to rumble.

The booming had him snapping his eyes open with ringing ears and turning towards the source of the deafening noise. All he saw was the turned over oil rig, the oil rig that drilled down to Eddie.

_Eddie. ___

____

Before Buck could even process what had just happened, he had already thrown himself towards the hole, the hole where Eddie was at the bottom of two seconds ago, the hole that was now _gone. ___

_____ _

"Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! No! Eddie!" Buck screamed at the ground as he dug frantically, praying for the hole to come back, for Eddie to be okay, but all he saw through the rain and his own tears was more mud, no matter how deep he tried to dig with his own hands. The hole re-filled with more mud after each desperate grab like a never ending taunt that Mother Nature couldn't get enough of.

_____ _

Hands reached for him and pulled him away, away from the shallow dent in the earth, away from Eddie, and Buck fought against the body to get back to his best friend.

_____ _

He had to get to Eddie, who was trapped forty feet down with no way out, who was possibly suffocating or drowning or _dying _. Eddie could be hurt or dying and there was no way for Buck to get to him.__

_______ _ _ _

Eddie was gone.

_______ _ _ _

The shattering reality before him rocked him into a state of paralysis, and all he could do was fall into the lap behind him and break into hysterical sobs.

_______ _ _ _

Buck wasn't sure how long he laid there in the pouring rain, staring at the ground  
— he wasn't sure of anything except for the fact that the man that meant the world to him was trapped and alone.

_______ _ _ _

All he could think about was how he should've fought harder to give Eddie more time, he should've made his team listen somehow, and then Eddie wouldn't be stuck underground with no way out.

_______ _ _ _

That drill was Eddie's only way out, and it was all gone. It was Buck's job to watch his back, and he _failed _. There was a forty foot barrier between the two, a dangerous, suffocating barrier that could crush Eddie any moment if it hadn't already.__

_________ _ _ _ _ _

Despite Buck being the one above ground, he couldn't stop gasping for air, chasing each breath that was always just out of reach, as if he were the one suffocating under the weight of the world.

_________ _ _ _ _ _

Time seemed to stop in that moment on the ground. He could've been laying there from anywhere from a few seconds to an hour, he had no idea. At some point he was moved, but he didn't remember getting up.

_________ _ _ _ _ _

It wasn't until he was staring at his own reflection in a bathroom mirror, that he finally processed that he wasn't outside anymore being pelted by rain, that as some point, he was pulled up off the ground and guided into the house.

_________ _ _ _ _ _

Tears, dirt and grime streaked his face but he ignored it and settled on washing his hands. He couldn't stand the thought of mud caked on them. He had to wash off the memory of the heavy clumps of he gathered in his hands, the mud that collapsed on Eddie.

_________ _ _ _ _ _

Once it all disappeared down the drain, and his hands felt pounds lighter, he finally looked up at the mirror again, but this time, all he saw was Eddie. All he saw was Eddie's terrified face, yelling out his name, begging Buck to find him, to save him.

_________ _ _ _ _ _

Buck had to save him. He wouldn't leave him, he _wouldn't _. He wouldn't give up.__

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eddie's face vanished and all that was left in the mirror was Buck's determined eyes staring back at him before he flipped off the faucet and hurried out of the bathroom, down the stairs to find his team.

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

He found Bobby first and told him that they had to go back out there. They had to go dig, they had to _find _him, and if they couldn't get a drill, then...__

_____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Then we dig by hand!"

_____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Buck was ready to dig for the rest of the night with his bare hands if it meant finding Eddie. He was ready to do whatever it takes, because Eddie was his teammate, his best friend, his family. He would do anything for him, and he thought his team felt the same way, yet he was the only one trying to jump back into action.

_____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

He felt like he was the only one trying to save Eddie. He wanted to scream at them that they should be out there, fighting for him, not standing around wasting time. Couldn't they see that they didn't have time to talk this out?

_____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

He felt like he was he the only one who was terrified. Everyone else was just staring at him, looking at him with expressions that halted him in his tracks.

_____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Buck asked himself why they were all staring at him like that, why they aren't moving, and it dawned on him then. He wish it didn't because he felt as if the whole world was crashing down on him all over again. As his next words stumbled out, bile rose in his throat and he felt tears welling up in his narrowed eyes again.

_____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Wait, you all think he's dead."

_____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The immediate reassurance from his team didn't register in Buck's ears, the implication of his own words had him succumbing to a harsh reality that he was so desperately trying to avoid.

_____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_"We're talking thirty feet of wet earth coming right down on top of him." ___

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Everything collapsing on top of Eddie, the rising water from the pouring rain, Buck wanted to believe that he was okay, that he somehow found a way out, he had to.

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Yet, deep down, he knew. He knew there was a chance that they wouldn't find him alive, and admitting that knocked the breath right out of him.

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The team wasn't giving up, they said that, but they understood. They understood that they might not find Eddie alive. They seemed to quickly come to terms with it, that they were ready for that possibly, while Buck couldn't even fathom a thought like that.

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

It brought a crushing pain to Buck's chest, a pain so intense that it left him dizzy and weak-kneed. He staggered backwards until he was leaning against the wall for balance, gasping for air that seemed to fight against him once again. Hen was in his line of sight in an instant and he was brought down to the floor with her gentle hands cradling his face.

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

She was right there in front of him, but all he saw was Eddie, all he thought about was Eddie.

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Buck couldn't imagine a life without Eddie in it, and if he were honest with himself, he didn't want to live a life without Eddie beside him. He couldn't die. He couldn't.

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eddie had become such a large, important part of Buck's life, and if anything, he held Buck's entire heart in his hand. Buck had no idea when it all changed, when Eddie became his first thought waking up and his final thought going to sleep, when Eddie became his whole world, but since he embraced him and grew with him, he couldn't live without him now.

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

He couldn't hear what Hen was saying to the other three but he saw her mouth moving and then they were back inside with everyone else. She stroked his cheeks and spoke to him, but all he could hear was Christopher's cries for his dad.

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The thought of Chris brought a whole new wave of pain crashing over him, something he hadn't felt since the Tsunami, something he never wanted to feel again.

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

If Eddie didn't make it, how would he break this to Christopher? He already lost his mother. How could he tell Chris that he lost his father too? That he couldn't keep his dad safe? That he failed both of them? That it was all his fault?

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"I can't do this," Buck choked on his own words and Hen's voice gradually flooded his ears.

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"–uck," her voice echoed from far away despite her face being only inches from his own. She repeated his name multiple times until he finally saw her, until his vision cleared. "Buck, it's okay."

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

He reached up to grab her hands and he squeezed them painfully tight, a last ditch effort to try and ground himself as he fought to catch his breath. She brought them down to their laps and squeezed his in return with the same amount of urgency.

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"I was supposed to have Eddie's back. I was supposed to look out for him. I should've been the one to go down there, not him. It should've been me."

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Buck, none of this is your fault. Don't do that to yourself."

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"I don't...I don't want to find his body, Hen. If something happened to him, I–"

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"No–Buck, no," Hen shook her head and pulled him into a hug before he had a chance to finish. "We're going to find him alive, okay? Bobby's in there right now putting together a grid search. He said they got thermal cams and helicopters coming in, the whole nine yards."

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"But, what if–"

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"No what ifs," she interrupted again and pulled back with a stern glare. "This is Eddie we're talking about. You and I both know he's fighting like hell to get back to us, so we need to do the same for him. He would never give up on us, so we are not giving up on him, you hear me? You are going to fight for him, because Eddie _needs _you."__

_________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"I just...I'm scared. I'm so fucking scared," Buck admitted in a broken whisper. The chatter from inside the house made his voice almost impossible to hear, but from how close the two were, Hen heard it clear as day.

_________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"I know. I know Buckaroo, and it's okay to be scared, but I also know that when someone you love is in trouble, you stop at nothing to get them back. You never gave up before, so don't you dare start now. Come on, let's go bring Eddie home."

_________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Buck swallowed thickly and slowly nodded. Hen patted his cheek with a faint smile and stood up, holding her hand out for him to take. He allowed her to help him up to his feet and with a firm squeeze on his shoulder, she guided him inside where the others stood around a map.

_________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Buck stayed silent as everyone went over the plan, he felt Bobby's eyes on him but he didn't look up from staring down at his boots. He was too busy trying to keep himself from both breaking down again and running out there to look for Eddie himself. The immense pounding of his heart had his whole body shaking.

_________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Once everyone moved outside and to their assigned groups, Bobby rattled off the plan one more time. Buck stared forward at nothing, unable to focus on his captain's words as the fear of what will happen truly set in and clouded any form of understanding he had.

_________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Buck felt like he was drowning, sinking deeper into a thick, pitch black pool of dread, terror, and guilt. It blinded his eyes, filled his lungs, and wrapped around just about every inch of his body inside and out, and not even Hen's encouraging words replaying in his head could pull him out.

_________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Nothing could pull him out, nothing but Eddie, and there was a chance he might be dead.

_________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

And then, he heard it. Through the echoes of chatter, through the deafening blood rushing in his ears, he heard it.

_________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

A warm, bright voice that his ears were so attuned to broke through the thick haze clouding his mind and Buck's whole body turned towards the comforting sound automatically. The moment his glazed over vision focused, he spotted a familiar red suit pushing through one of the groups.

_________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Eddie?" The name slipped past Buck's lips just in time for the form to break through the crowd, and as soon as the two pair of eyes met, Buck was shouldering bodies to rush to the man who collapsed right in front of him.

_________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Eddie!" Buck gasped in shock as he dragged the man up by his right arm, Bobby did the same with the left. He almost didn't believe that what he saw before him was real, but then he gripped Eddie's right hand with his own — Eddie was really there, he was okay — and Buck felt a weight lift off his chest.

_________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eddie was talking, which meant he was breathing, which meant he was alive. _Eddie was alive. ___

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Their eyes met again and for the first time since Eddie went down that hole, Buck could finally breathe.

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Come on, let's get you checked out, buddy," Hen spoke from behind Eddie and with the help of her, Buck and Bobby, Eddie was walked to the ambulance.

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Buck couldn't take his eyes off of Eddie and his red rimmed eyes, and the way he practically slumped against the side of the bus where he sat had him squeezing Eddie's hand tight. Hen hopped inside to grab the supplies behind the barely conscious firefighter and Chimney stopped beside Buck to put a hand on his shoulder.

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Hey, you can let go. He's going to be fine," he said but the words went right over the blond's head, he was too focused on Eddie's sudden coughing and what that could possibly mean.

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eddie wasn't talking anymore, he was coughing, which meant he might not be able to breath, which meant he could die.

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Buck, we need room to check him over."

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Sorry," Buck choked on his apology and dropped his hand to take a step back. Eddie didn't seem to notice they were still holding hands, he was completely out of it as the two stripped him of his wet gear.

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

It physically hurt Buck to put even a single inch between them but once he did, and he was able to get a full glimpse of the current state Eddie was in, he couldn't help but back away further.

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Buck wasn't sure why, but he had to get away. He couldn't stop thinking about how Eddie almost died, and how he failed. He failed to do his job and they almost lost Eddie because of it. Eddie had to save himself because Buck was too weak.

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

With those thoughts repeating over and over in his head, he continued backing up, until a hand reached out to stop him. It was Bobby.

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Buck? Are you alright?"

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Buck cleared his throat to make sure his voice wouldn't break, "Why wouldn't I be? I wasn't the one buried alive." He tried to crack a grin, but it fell short, so short that he wasn't even sure his intention made the mind-muscle connection like he wanted. Bobby wouldn't have fallen for it anyway. His switching gaze from Buck to Eddie, and back to Buck was telling enough.

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Buck hated worrying Bobby. He didn't think he was worth worrying about. It was times like these that he wished he didn't wear his heart on his sleeve, that he could switch everything off.

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"I'm fine," Buck finally insisted when he realized he was still being stared at.

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Bobby nodded slightly and shifted his eyes back to the ambulance where Eddie was now laid down on the stretcher with Hen and Chimney poking and prodding. One of the other crew members shut the doors and drove off before the two had a chance to say anything else.

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Come on, we still have protocols to follow before heading back to the station," Bobby nodded towards the other firefighters on scene moving about and he set to work giving them tasks alongside the other captain of the second team, including a silent Buck who did so automatically, grateful for the distraction.

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Time moved fast after that—too fast, because before Buck knew it, they were packing up and heading down the long winding driveway and then pulling back into the station after what felt like two minutes.

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Both Hen and Chimney were sitting in the back of the ambulance doing inventory, no Eddie in sight.

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"How's Eddie?" Bobby asked as soon as they both stepped out of the truck.

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"The hospital's monitoring him for four to six hours to make sure he has no lung damage from inhaling water," Chimney said.

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"He said he got out through a drainage tunnel that led out to the lake down the hill," Hen added. 

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Well, with that update out of the way, I'll start on some food while you two shower. No offense, but you two smell like wet dogs," Chimney grinned and headed up the steps with Hen in tow, chirping on about his latest cooking fail that resulted in the use of the fire extinguisher.

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Bobby shook his head with a chuckle and turned to Buck, who still remained still as a statue, unable to stop Chimney's words from replaying in his head.

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eddie was hurt. Eddie could have lung damage from inhaling water...Eddie almost drowned.

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eddie almost drowned.

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eddie almost died.

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Chimney's words was what cracked Buck, because it made his worried thoughts, his fears, everything that branded to the walls of his mind truly real.

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Buck couldn't keep the tears away, no matter how hard he tried, no matter how many times he swiped at his cheeks with trembling hands.

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Bobby pulling him into a tight, warm hug was what broke Buck, because it made his worried thoughts, his fears, everything that coated his body in a thick sheet of ice acknowledged and understood.

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Buck couldn't pull away, no matter how hard he wanted to, no matter how many times he told himself that he should, because he was fine. He was _fine. ___

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Despite rocking back and forth in the middle of the station floor, no one said a thing or even dared look in their direction. Everyone understood how hard the job could be and gave them as much privacy as possible in an open, echoing space.

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The longer Buck was held in the comforting embrace as he cried out everything he locked away, the more he melted into the arms and relaxed against the firm chest. A part of him hated showing this kind of vulnerability to his captain, because he risked being put on the bench if he was deemed a liability, but it was too late to try and hide it now, after opening the dam of suppressed emotions.

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

He knew he would regret it later, but for the moment, it felt somewhat relieving to let go and cry into Bobby's shoulder, so he did, until his puffy eyes ran dry.

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Let's head to the showers," Bobby said once Buck gradually quieted down until he was only sniffling. "You're freezing and soaked to the bone. A nice, hot shower will make you feel a little better."

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Bobby didn't question or even mention the break down, he temporarily let things go and Buck was grateful for such an understanding captain.

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Chimney was right, we do smell like wet dogs," Buck added with a watery chuckle and pulled back to give his captain a thankful smile, which was returned with a smile of his own and a gentle pat on the shoulder.

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The last thing Buck wanted to do was take a shower, the thought of water beating down on him again made his stomach churn with unease and goosebumps raise on his skin with an accompanying shiver, but he knew he didn't have a choice. He was soaked through his clothes in god knows what and it would look suspicious if he didn't, and Buck didn't want to worry anyone anymore than he already did.

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Ignoring the cold sweat that broke across his forehead and his once again shaking hands, Buck headed towards the showers and undressed. His clothes clung to him like glue with an impossible weight as he stripped himself piece by piece, and by the time he was finally finished wrestling with his clothes and turning on the unsettling spray, Bobby was already shutting off the water and stepping out with a towel wrapped around his waist. Bobby glanced at him but moved on without saying a word, much to Buck's relief.

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Buck didn't waste time scrubbing himself as clean as he could, desperate to remove all traces of the day, until his skin burned red with track marks. He focused on his stinging skin as he quickly lathered his hair with shampoo and then conditioner, a successful distraction from the otherwise paralyzing thoughts that would hold him down under the relentless, suffocating waterfall.

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

His limbs ached and dragged from the long shift, but he managed to power through the shower in minutes. He sucked in a deep, relieving breath once the water droplets on his skin absorbed into the towel that he quickly wiped himself off with. It wasn't until a new set of soft cotton clothes hugged his form however, did the newfound tension in his muscles finally dissipate some.

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Buck followed the sound of chatter and the smell of food up the steps and to the kitchen where the team sat, eating a simple meal of pasta and garlic bread. He sat down beside Chimney and without a word, a scoop of spaghetti was plopped onto the awaiting empty plate in front of him.

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Thanks," Buck muttered and Chimney nodded before shoveling a concerning amount of spaghetti into his mouth at once.

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

His stomach flipped at the thought of eating, but he forced down a few bites, knowing he hasn't had anything all day and his body would surely cramp up later if he didn't. He ate slowly, silent as the others spoke — of what he didn't know, he zoned out after managing half his plate and ended up staring at his food, until the noodles molded and blurred together into one fuzzy picture.

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Their voices faded out to a distant murmur and Buck was left with his own scattered thoughts, going over everything that happened repeatedly and what he could've done to prevent Eddie's hospitalization. He couldn't help it.

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

If he was faster, he could've pulled both the kid and Eddie out before the oil rig fell, or hell, he could've volunteered to go down there before Eddie got the chance.

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

If he was smarter, he could've found a way to convince the team to give Eddie just a few more seconds.

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

If he was better, maybe the team would've listened to him and trusted that he knew what Eddie needed.

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

If he was better, maybe the team would've let him go down instead of Chimney and trusted him to save them.

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

But he wasn't and Eddie got hurt because of it.

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

It took a physical shake to pull Buck from his thoughts, and when he finally looked up, all eyes were on him with Hen's hand on his shoulder.

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Buck? We're you even listening?" Hen questioned.

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"No, sorry."

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Does he ever?" Chimney scoffed with an eye roll and stood up with his empty plate, and headed to the sink to start dishes.

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Buck tore his eyes away from the retreating man and focused back on Hen, who was still looking at him with this face that made his hairs stand on end from the intense, prying eyes. He cleared his throat and sat up straighter, uncomfortable from not only her eyes boring into him, but Bobby's as well.

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"We were just talking about how Eddie's going to need a ride home when they discharge him," Hen said.

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Which should be in the next hour if he has no complications," Bobby added. "We all agreed that it'd be best if you picked him up."

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Buck didn't know if it was possible, but he was sure he actually felt his heart drop into his stomach. He opened his mouth to disagree but nothing came out, the words caught against the sudden rock in his throat and Hen took his silence as an opportunity to grin and ruffle his still damp hair.

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"We all got families to go home to and well, you're definitely Eddie's favorite out of the three of us, so it makes sense." With Hen's last words, she grabbed her plate and headed to the sink where Chimney still stood, leaving Buck to drown in his insecurities and Bobby to watch.

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Buck wanted to see Eddie, but he didn't. He wanted to make sure his friend was okay, but he wasn't sure if Eddie wanted to see him. He wasn't sure if he could face his friend right now. Why would Eddie want to see the man who lost him?

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"I–I don't think I should."

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Buck, I don't know what's going on in that head of yours right now, but if you need me to make it an order, then I will."

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"I just," Buck paused when he met Bobby's narrowed eyes, and ultimately sighed in resignation when the set stare didn't falter, "okay. I'll take him home." The captain nodded and stood up but his gaze remained on the blond, strong and unyielding.

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Good. You should probably get going, then. Wouldn't want to keep Eddie waiting."

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Yes, Cap."

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	2. Worry Makes the World Go Round

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck’s worried about a lot of things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Madney baby I’m so exciTED and fuck the corona now I gotta wait till 2021 for season 4 I’m sad. Season finale had me feelin so many things. Eeddddiieee with Abby and omg the disgust on his face when he said her name had me screeaamminngg. 
> 
> Lowkey mad about the buck and Abby closure like what kind of half ass apology was that ????? There wasn’t even an apology just shitty excuses, buck deserved an APOLOGY A PROPER APOLOGY, like “hey buck yeah I was a total fucking bitch and ghosted u and I should’ve called the moment I knew I wasn’t coming back but I was a coward and I’m sorry” and ommgg she could’ve at least responded to him with a “you deserve to be happy too” like 911 writers I’m sorry but wtf was that I’m mad
> 
> Anyways MADNEY BABY THEY DESERVE IT AND AND MICHAEL GETS HOT DOCTOR FUCKYEWH IMHAOPG FOR HKM

Buck spoke to Carla on the way to the hospital to let her know what happened and why Eddie would be late coming home. He was ready to reassure her and talk her down from storming into the hospital herself, but it turned out Eddie had already called her and filled her in. She said Chris was already asleep and that she had no problem staying at the house until the two got home. 

With the phone call out of the way, there was nothing holding Buck back from walking through those large, intimidating doors. There was no reason, yet he found himself glued to his seat, staring at the glowing hospital sign for longer than he wanted to admit and gripping his steering wheel with a sweaty, white-knuckle hold. 

He wasn't sure how long he sat there as he psyched himself up for every possible scenario he was about to walk into, but he knew he had to go in there sooner rather than later, especially if Eddie was expecting him. He knew Eddie was expecting him too with the recent text lighting up the phone screen, and it only increased his already rapid heart rate. 

I'm in room 112 when you get here. Did you by any chance grab me a change of clothes? Mine are trashed. 

Eddie didn't seem mad from the sound of the text message, but then again, it was impossible to gauge what the other person was actually feeling through words on a phone screen. Buck could only imagine the deep scowl and frown lines that showcased nothing but utter disappointment. He could only imagine the disgust that would cross his friends face once they met inside. 

He wanted to stay in his car forever, but he also knew that the longer he sat in the car, the harder it would be to face his friend. Buck sighed long and hard, as if the dispelling of air would drag his cowardice and debilitating worries out along with it. 

It didn't. 

"Come on, Buck," He whispered to himself and forced himself to release the steering wheel. His hands found immediate purchase on his thighs and fingers dug into his skin through the thin material of his pants. "Just go inside. Stop making it about you. Stop being selfish and walk through those doors." 

Buck let out another long, deep breath and nodded to himself in the reflection of his windshield before shutting off his Jeep and hopping out of the car with Eddie's bag of clothes in his hand. Of course he brought Eddie clothes. No one even had to ask. 

His heart beat faster and faster the closer he got to the doors, and when the doors shut behind him, he swallowed down the unease and headed to the receptionist. 

Licking his lips, Buck cleared his throat and forced out, "I'm here to see Eddie Diaz." 

"Your name?"

"Evan Buckley." 

The nurse behind the desk nodded and typed on the computer before nodding towards the next set of doors that opened to the push of a button. 

"Room 112. Down the hallway and hang a left." 

Buck thanked her and followed her instructions, and with each climbing number, his steps grew heavier and heavier, until his feet cemented to the off-white tile outside the room, just out of Eddie's sight. He stood there for almost a whole minute, and there was a chance that he would've stayed there longer if it weren't for one of the nurses down the hall staring at him with an almost suspicious glare. It was unnerving enough to get his blood pumping and body moving again to the doorway with a soft, hesitant knock. 

"Hey man," Eddie greeted and pushed himself up into a sitting position on the bed, which Buck took no time in hurrying over to him to push him back down. He sighed but didn't resist beneath the gentle press of Buck's hands. 

"How are you feeling?" Buck asked and pulled up a nearby chair to sit beside the bed, scanning over each and every cut on the face in front of him. 

He counted six cuts and that didn't account for the possible injuries beneath the hospital gown. There was an IV stuck in his right arm and wires that connected to his chest, it all made him want to vomit, seeing Eddie like that. 

He wanted to reach out and physically touch Eddie's rested arm, for what reason he wasn't sure, but the urge was strong enough to get him to set down the bag at the bottom of the bed and shove his hands into his pockets. 

"Just some cuts and bruises, nothing worth that look on your face. I'm fine, Buck." 

"You are not fine. You wouldn't be in the hospital if you were." 

Eddie shrugged but didn't respond, and it angered Buck from how nonchalant he was acting. Here Eddie was, playing off his brush with death like it was nothing while Buck could barely keep it together. 

He wanted to know what happened on Eddie's side. He wanted to know everything from the moment the hole collapsed to right before he entered the hospital. All he knew was from what Hen and Chim said: Eddie swam out through a drainage tunnel and was put under observation for lung damage from inhaling water. 

Buck understood from their words that Eddie was here for drowning complications, but so much more went into that. Immediate things like hypothermia, brain hypoxia, a pulmonary edema, or later down the road, pneumonia...there were so many things that could happen to him and he barely bat an eye. 

He wanted to ask — hell, he wanted to shake the answers out of him. The questions were on the tip of his tongue, but for the life of him, he couldn't open his mouth to voice them. He wasn't sure why of that either. Maybe he was scared of the answer, and fear seemed to be in the driver's seat all night. 

Before anything else could be said, the doctor walked in flipping through the sheets clamped on a clipboard. 

"Mr. Diaz, how are we doing?" She greeted without looking up from the paper. 

Eddie shifted in the bed and shrugged, again. "Better than ever, ready to get out of here," he replied shortly and the doctor finally looked up with a small smile. 

"I bet," she chuckled. "So, good news. Your O2 levels are good, body temp is back to normal, found no signs of swelling, no crackling sounds in your lungs, and the scans all came back normal as well. It looks like you'll be sleeping in your own bed tonight." 

"Are you sure?" Buck interjected and the doctor turned to him as he continued speaking. "Shouldn't he stay the night, just in case? I mean, what if something happens when he goes home? How can you be so sure already?" 

"Well, as of right now, everything looks good so there's no reason to keep him." The doctor then focused back on Eddie who was trying to sit up again, which Buck immediately pushed him back down for the second time. "Make sure to take the next few days easy and get lots of rest. If you experience any chest pain, discomfort, trouble breathing, persistent coughing, or a fever, come back to the hospital."

Buck knew what the doctor was referring to and he took no time in jumping back in with a snap, "You say he's fine but then rattle off all these symptoms like–like you're not sure. If there's even the slightest chance that something might happen, he should stay here." 

"It's just for precaution, sir," the doctor attempted at reassuring a completely wired Buck but it did nothing to ease his worries, especially with all the knowledge surfacing in his brain from past research about drowning. 

Buck knew everything there was to know about drowning, everything from symptoms–to treatments–to statistics–all the way down to the physiology of during and after. He spent countless nights reading to avoid the nightmares of the tsunami crashing over him...almost drowning...the bodies...the never ending screaming, gurgling and crying. 

He thought that maybe understanding his newfound fear would make it less powerful and would help him control it, and maybe even make it hurt less. Buck liked to think that his obsession worked, but some nights, when he awoke gasping for air, choking on water that didn't exist, and crying out for Christopher who was safe in his own bed, he wasn't so sure. 

It didn't matter though. 

His nightmares, his problems, his fears weren't a big deal, but Eddie's near-death experience was, and Buck's bubbling determination to keep his friend safe now overshadowed all previous emotions. 

"If there's a possibility he could die from any sort of drowning complications, then he's not leaving. I'm not letting him leave."

"The lung x-rays came back clean, Buck," Eddie said and reached out for Buck's arm, as if to comfort and calm him down, but he stepped away before skin contact could be made. Eddie sighed and rubbed his eyes tiredly, which Buck immediately took notice of. 

"One of the major concerns of a near-drowning victim aside from lack of oxygen is irritation in the lining of the lungs and fluid buildup, which in turn causes a pulmonary edema, but there were no signs of that sort," the doctor added. 

Eddie snatched the duffle bag from the end of the bed and plopped it beside him to unzip it and rifle through it. "Which means I'm safe to go home so I can sleep for the next three days."

Bucks eyes widened and he swallowed a gasp, turning away from his friend to look back at the doctor. "Extreme fatigue is a symptom of secondary drowning. You should run more tests." 

"Or, it's a symptom of physical exertion. Seriously Buck?" Eddie then thanked the doctor for everything she did, deciding to ignore Buck's flabbergasted protests. 

"What if it's not?" Buck insisted. 

"I can assure you sir, that Mr. Diaz only sustained some minor bruising and scrapes," Dr. Kinney (Buck finally got a read on the name badge) said and glanced down at her pager that buzzed before focusing on Eddie with another annoying smile that Buck wanted to slap right off. "One of my nurses will be in here shortly to help with the paperwork and get you on your way."

With that, she thankfully left. Buck didn't like her or her condescending tone or the fact that she didn't take any of his concerns seriously. 

It was silent for the next minute or two; Buck stared at the door where the doctor disappeared and Eddie stared at Buck. He could feel eyes on him but he didn't dare tear his eyes away from the doorway. It was hard to look at Eddie in a hospital bed because the sight was a constant reminder of everything that went wrong tonight. 

Eddie broke the silence first, "Is Hayden okay? I didn't have a chance to ask Hen or Chim." 

Buck had to hold back the scoff that nearly escaped past his lips, because of course Eddie would be more concerned about the kid that got pulled up to safety than himself. 

He managed a stiff nod and cleared his throat before responding, "yeah, the kid's just fine." 

Silence filled the room once again and Eddie sighed with confusion and annoyance laced around the edges. Buck could tell he was frustrated by the unusual quiet surrounding the two, because Eddie was the quiet one, not Buck. 

With just the two in the room, Buck kept his mouth sewn shut because he knew that without any external distraction to keep his thoughts away, Buck's inner turmoil would come spewing right out into the open, and he didn't want that at all. 

Buck couldn't afford to be vulnerable right now, not when their friendship hung in the balance. He had to be strong and he had to hope and pray that Eddie forgave him for not having his back. He couldn't risk it with his feelings, not again. 

"Buck," Eddie tried but then the nurse knocked and popped in, and all attempts at conversation faded as he removed Eddie's IV and wires. 

Buck zoned out during the discharge planning, he didn't even realize Eddie had changed into the clothes he brought until he was staring at the large bruise forming on Eddie's tricep and wondering how he got it. 

Was it from the fall when he cut the rope? Was it from the hole collapsing? Did he hurt himself during his struggle to escape the well? We're there other bruises he didn't see? He wasn't paying attention when Eddie changed so he didn't have a chance to look. 

If the bruises looked bad already, Buck couldn't even imagine how much worse they'll be tomorrow and the following day. Would Eddie even be able to move tomorrow? How sore would he be? And what about Christopher? Was he going to tell him what happened? Would he need help taking care of Chris? 

"Come on." 

Buck felt a hand on his shoulder and blinked to focus back in on the room, which was now empty with Eddie standing at his side with the duffle bag stuffed with what must've been the clothes he came in with. He nodded at the brunette and grabbed the bag from Eddie's hand so he didn't have to carry it. Eddie gave him a look but didn't say anything as the two walked out, Buck glued to his side in case he tripped or fell. 

Opening the passenger door before Eddie could have the chance, Eddie chuckled and used the handle to help hoist him up into the jeep as he said, "you really know how to make a guy feel special." 

Buck bit back a smile and shut the door before jogging back around to hop into the front seat and toss the bag in the back seat. He took no time in starting the car and peeling out of the parking lot, and with the hospital disappearing in the rear view mirror, the two relaxed some. Buck let out a long, relieving sigh as his body gradually melted into his seat and Eddie rested the side of his head against the glass with shut eyes. 

There was something about hospitals that left a foul taste in Buck's mouth. It could easily be the anxiety inducing atmosphere, the overwhelming aroma of antiseptic, or all of the physical and emotional pain linked to his own hospital stays. Whatever it was, Buck was glad to be out of there and in the safety of his own car, driving in the opposite direction. 

The radio played the latest hits as faint background noise as he drove — it was more like a low hum in the otherwise silent car ride. Buck never thought he would be comforted by the repetitive melodies of today's pop coming through his speakers but he was pleasantly surprised and even thankful for the normalcy it brought to such a painful, tiring day. 

After a long, never ending twenty minute drive, Buck parked in Eddie's driveway and shut off the car. He glanced over and saw Eddie asleep, which Buck envied because he was ready to fall asleep in the driver's seat himself, and was not ready to lug a heavy weight across the lawn and into the house. 

He shook the man's shoulder and got nothing but a quiet grunt in reply, which made Buck sigh and shake him harder. 

"Hey, we're home," Buck spoke for the first time in almost an hour and his throat felt scratchy and hoarse, most likely a late response to his desperate yells and cries from the earlier shift. Eddie groaned and blinked his sleep away with a sleepy glare aimed at Buck. 

"Come on, let's get you inside so Carla can go home. She's waiting on the porch for us." 

Those words seemed to wake him up and Eddie finally sat up to open up the door, which Buck quickly hurried over to passenger side to help him out of the car. This time, Buck secured his arm around his friend's waist to help him to the front door where Carla stood, holding it open. 

Eddie's head rested on Buck's shoulder as Buck maneuvered them around the furniture with as much stealth as possible to avoid waking Chris, and the floorboards beneath them squeaked as they walked down the hallway and stopped at Chris' room. 

There Chris was, sound asleep with his nightlight projecting a soft shadow of the planets onto the wall, and Buck felt Eddie let out a deep breath and squeeze Buck's hand as they stood there silent for a minute. Buck had a feeling Eddie needed to see him, and he must've been right. 

Buck was ready to stand there all night and hold Eddie up if he had to, but Eddie made the first move in retreating to the bedroom, so he got with the program and guided him to the bed. 

"Thank you," Eddie mumbled as he was sat down on the edge of his bed. If it weren't for Buck's hands on his shoulders, Eddie would've flopped onto his back and fell asleep half hanging off his bed. 

"You should probably shower," Buck suggested and he shook his head. "You smell like a sewer, man." 

"I'm too tired to care." 

Carla walked in then with the now empty duffle bag, which meant she probably threw the clothes in the washer, and damn she was a saint. 

"Thank you for taking care of Christopher. I don't know how I'd survive without you," Eddie sighed and Carla tsked with a shake of her head. 

"No need to thank me, hun, but I'll be damned if you fall asleep in all that gunk," she replied with one hand on her hip and the other pointing in the direction of the shower. "Now get your butt in that shower." 

Eddie groaned but relented at the sight of Carla's intimidating, pointed stare. 

"Fine. You two are the worst." 

Carla grinned in satisfaction and watched as Buck helped Eddie back up and towards the bathroom. She followed them to the bathroom and stopped at the doorway. "Do you need any help, Buckaroo?"

"No, I got it Carla," Buck shook his head and turned on the shower while Eddie sat down on the toilet. "You should go home and get some sleep. We'll be fine." 

"Alright, but please call me if either of you need anything." 

She hugged them both and they thanked her again before she left, so it was just Buck and Eddie in the bathroom with the shower running. 

Buck checked the water and adjusted the temperature, making sure to ignore the immediate unease at the feeling of water on his skin again. He turned back to Eddie who was watching him and raised an eyebrow in question. 

"Look, I'm gonna be honest with you, Buck," Eddie started and rubbed his face harshly with both his hands. "I can barely lift my arms at this point. There's no way I'm gonna be able to shower." 

Buck sighed and slipped off his shirt, which immediately gained Eddie's attention. "What're you doing?" 

"It'll be faster if I help." 

Eddie's jaw dropped and he shook his head with a stammer, "you don't have to do that, Buck. I can just shower in the morning." 

"You're going to be even more sore tomorrow. Besides, you helped me shower when I had my leg injury. It's not a big deal, Eddie." 

He still didn't seem convinced and it stung, because a part of Buck couldn't help but think that maybe Eddie didn't trust him or want him to help. He couldn't help Eddie before, but he could now, so he had to. He had to. 

"Let me help, please," Buck all but begged and if it came out more desperate than intended, Eddie didn't comment on it. 

He gave in and nodded, and that was all it took to momentarily squish Buck's insecurities and get to work. 

Buck helped him out of his shirt and stepped back as Eddie stubbornly hit Buck's hands away to push down his own pants. Hands were back in an instant to hold onto Eddie arms to hold onto as he stepped out of the rest of his clothes and into the steaming shower. 

The shower was smaller than it looked, but then again, not all houses had large, extravagant showers that could hold five people. There was barely any room between the two, just a couple inches of space where Eddie stood in front of Buck, back to chest. 

Buck set to work on lathering up Eddie's hair with the 2in1 bottle, which Buck was so going to give Eddie another long lecture about proper shampoo and conditioner when they were coherent enough. They already had this argument before, but it looked like Eddie didn't listen, which wasn't that much of a surprise since he never listened anyway. 

The long locks glided through his fingers and it made Buck think. The way Eddie styled made his hair seem shorter than it really was. He loved the fluffy look Eddie sported the first year. He would have to convince him to bring it back. 

While Buck worked on the hair, Eddie focused on the body wash and handed it off once all that was left was his back, the place he couldn't reach. The dirt caked on his skin slowly came off, it was a long process due to the forming bruises along his back. 

Buck didn't want to press too hard and hurt Eddie, he didn't even want to touch Eddie's back but he didn't have a choice with all the unreachable grime, he wanted to help, so he blinked away the tears and focused. 

"Okay," Buck cleared his throat and gently tapped on Eddie's shoulder once his glistening skin was lathered up. "You can wash off now. Do you want me to use the detachable head?" 

Eddie nodded and Buck reached over him to grab the head with one hand and angle Eddie's head back slightly with the other hand on Eddie's forehead to shield any soap from getting in his eyes. Buck's hand raked and massaged through Eddie's hair until all suds disappeared, then sprayed down his back, until he was squeaky clean, no remnants of the night branding his skin. 

"I think we're all done." 

Buck turned off the water and returned the shower head to its rightful place before stepping out of the shower to grab towels out from under the cabinet. Fluffy towels wrapped around both their waists and then Buck was helping Eddie out of the bathroom and to the bed, where Eddie sat and Buck rummaged through drawers for clothes for the both of them. 

Eddie was half asleep by the time Buck dressed and returned with another towel to dry off his friend. It hadn't even been a minute, Eddie was just that tired. So, he took the liberty of drying Eddie off from top to bottom and dressing him in a shirt and pair of shorts. 

"Thank you, Buck...always there for me...me 'nd Chris," Eddie mumbled once he was under the covers, his half shut eyes met Buck's briefly and he smiled at the blond sitting on the edge of the bed next to him. 

"You're welcome, now get some sleep." 

"–staying, right? Sleep here." 

Eddie pat the spot next to him and buried the side of his face into his pillow, seemingly done with the conversation once he got his point across. 

Buck turned off the lights, excluding the lamp on Eddie's side. He didn't think pitch black was the way to go tonight, he needed to be able to see Eddie's face. 

Buck climbed into Eddie's bed pulled the covers up to his chin but he didn't dare shut his eyes. He turned onto his side and watched Eddie all night, checking his forehead temperature with the back of his hand almost every thirty minutes and observing the steady rise and fall of Eddie's faintly lit chest to make sure he didn't miss anything. 

Buck couldn't look away, no matter what he thought because bad things always happened when he turned away.

So, he just lied there, blinking away the sleep that continuously fought to pull him under. 

Despite the deep rooted fear that Eddie would surely hate him tomorrow morning once the fog cleared, once the shock wore off, he couldn't get himself to move a muscle, not after what Eddie said in midst of falling asleep. 

Exhaustion swallowed the last of Buck's defenses within a few hours, including the strength to keep his eyes open. He didn't want to sleep, but he didn't have a choice, no matter how hard he wrestled with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea how many chapters this gonna be it was originally gonna be 2 or 3 but who knows I’m very indecisive


	3. It’s Hard To Understand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A sleep deprived Buck makes pancakes and waits for the other shoe to drop, but it doesn’t. He’s confused but finally sleeps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly after seeing what Ryan Guzman said and his half assed apology, it Left a horrible taste in my mouth. I sure hope he ACTUALLY learns and educates himself bc omg What the actual fuck I can’t. I couldn’t even watch the whole apology bc the way he talked and the tone of voice and the excuses and just everything djakdolqmdanskdlao it irked me and made me cringe so fucking hard fuck.

When Buck awoke the next morning, there was no groggy confusion, no blissful ignorance, he knew exactly where he was and why the moment his eyelids snapped open to the rising sun warming the room with an almost golden hue. He immediately turned over and faced Eddie, who remained asleep in the same position from before Buck had fallen asleep. He didn't remember falling asleep but at some point he did, he couldn't pinpoint when but all of a sudden it was morning and he had no idea what to do. 

Did he lay there and wait for Eddie to wake up? Did he wake him up instead and get the conversation out of the way? Did he sneak out and leave and give Eddie space? What did he do?

His protesting bladder temporarily answered his own question, and he slipped out of the bed to relieve himself, making sure to move as light as possible to not jostle Eddie. After he flushed the toilet and quickly washed his hands, he settled on brushing his teeth with his tooth brush that sat in the cup with Eddie's and Christopher's. 

Before he could head back into Eddie's room and decide how to approach the awaiting situation, he heard rustling from Christopher's room and paused at the doorway where Chris was sitting up and rubbing his eyes. 

Buck remembered then, Chris had school. 

There was still three hours before school started. The clock beside Chris's bed read that it was only a couple minutes past six in the morning, which explained why Buck was still fighting the exhaustion weighing down his eyelids. 

He got maybe two hours of sleep after almost three hours of watching Eddie rest and replaying the night over in his head on a painful repeat. It took three hours for his body to win against his mind and finally slip into a doze, his brain was stubborn when it came to the people he cared about. 

Buck smiled and watched the kid reach for his glasses and his face lit up once their eyes met. 

"Buck!" 

"Hey, buddy," Buck stepped into the room with a grin and met Chris' welcoming arms with a warm, tight hug that had both of them chuckling together. 

"Where's dad?" Chris asked once the two let go and he moved to reach his crutches that rested beside his bed. 

"He's still asleep. He had a long night at work so I thought we'd let him sleep in a little longer." 

"We should surprise him with breakfast!" 

"That's a great idea." Buck ruffled Chris' hair and followed him out of the room. "Why don't you get washed up and then we can make pancakes. Sound like a plan?" 

"Yeah!" Chris grinned big and headed to the bathroom while Buck went to the kitchen to sift through the cabinets and fridge to make sure he had all of the ingredients. 

His smile dimmed once the bathroom door shut and Buck was left sluggishly pulling out needed ingredients for breakfast, trying his best to avoid thinking about what would happen once Eddie woke up. It was next to impossible while standing in said person's kitchen–the source of Buck's awaiting fate was just down the hall, but he busied himself with making the batter while the griddle heated up, desperate for the distraction. 

Sleep pulled at his muscles and he felt like he could fall asleep standing up, but he blinked it away and started on some coffee to hopefully wake him up. He needed to take care of Chris so Eddie could get as much rest as possible. Buck could deal with his own exhaustion later because the Diaz boys were his top priority. They were the only things that mattered right now. 

Buck downed the first cup of scalding hot coffee and set up Chris's station once he heard the familiar 'clack' of crutches. He couldn't help but smile at the appearing boy from the hallway. 

It didn't matter how terrible Buck felt, how much exhaustion and guilt and terror wrapped around his heart, how far he fell into the dark depths of his mind, Chris never failed to pull him out and bring warmth to the ice in his chest. Chris was a beacon of light that could brighten up any room he walked into, no matter how dark, cold, and empty. 

Buck instructed Chris on his fruit washing and strawberry cutting duties (with a butter knife of course, nothing dangerously sharp) while he himself started on the pancakes, and the two laughed and giggled as they worked and talked about Chris's upcoming school project on the planets. He argued that the best planet was Mars because his favorite color was red, which Buck countered with the idea that Saturn was the best because of the cool rings around it. 

They both managed to agree that mercury was the underdog, being the smallest but fastest planet in the solar system. 

Once the plate was stacked with fluffy pancakes and Chris' bowl was filled to the brim with blueberries and half-sliced strawberries, they convened at the next station at the stove. 

"Okay, now we can't have pancakes without eggs and bacon," Buck stated and Chris agreed with a vigorous nod. "I can get the bacon started but can you do the honors of cracking those eggs into that bowl for me?" 

"Never cracked an egg before," Chris giggled and clapped his hands in excitement. 

Buck smiled at the radiating eagerness and turned on the stove, he placed four slices of bacon on the pan and covered it with a lid before moving over to Chris to demonstrate. 

"Alright, so all you do is gently hit the egg on the side of the bowl, almost like a tap and open it like this," he explained and successfully cracked the egg into the bowl. A second egg was cracked into the bowl, this time by Chris with the guidance of Buck's around the smaller hand. "You want to try the next one?" 

"Yes, please." Chris nodded and Buck grabbed another egg. "Okay, like...this," Chris focused down on the egg in his hand and hit it against the edge of the bowl. 

The bowl flipped from the force of Chris's not so gentle tap and the eggs already inside the bowl went flying and splattering against Buck's shirt, the one in Chris's hand oozed out of the obliterated shell and down the side of the counter top until it dripped onto the floor. Chris burst out laughing and Buck couldn't help but join in too at the sight of the mess they made. 

"I think you hit it just a _little_ too hard." 

" _Way_ too hard," Chris agreed with a nod, biting his lip to stifle more laughter when he looked at Buck's stained shirt as Buck stepped back over to the stove to quickly flip the bacon before it burned. 

"Do I smell bacon?" 

The new voice from behind them startled Buck into spinning around and he froze as he met Eddie's widening eyes. 

"What is that all over your shirt?" 

"I cracked the egg," Chris said and Eddie raised an eyebrow before slowly closing the space between the three and wrapping his arms around Chris, who's hands were covered in yolk, but Eddie paid that no mind. "Morning dad," Chris's voice was muffled against Eddie's shirt as the two hugged. 

"Morning little man," he sighed and let go with a smile before turning to Buck, who remained in his same spot, still frozen. "Why don't you get a clean shirt from my room and I'll help clean this up." 

"You don't have to do that. I can clean it."

Eddie waved it off with a paper towel and started wiping up the egg before Buck could even take a step. When he bent down to clean off the cabinet door where the egg dripped down, Buck saw the wince on Eddie's face and immediately reached towards him, to do what Buck wasn't sure, but stopped midway when he stood back up. 

The expression was long gone, but Buck couldn't erase it from his mind, because Eddie winced. Eddie _winced_ , which meant he was hurting, and if Eddie was hurting, he should be _sitting_ , not moving around and flipping the bacon and possibly hurting himself further. 

Buck couldn't move his feet or tear his eyes away from him, he was now setting the table with the pancakes and fruit, and instructing Chris to wash his hands and decorate the pancakes for the three of them while he cooked the eggs. 

With Eddie right across from Buck in reaching distance, he couldn't focus on anything but the injuries: the bright cuts on his face, the dark, angry bruise on his right arm, and the stiff movements that showed he was still in pain. 

"Hey, go change. I can finish this." Buck blinked and looked up from the black and blue arm to meet eyes staring back at him with a questioning, almost concerning gaze all the while putting new pieces of bacon onto the pan with a crackling sizzle. 

The finality in Eddie's tone had Buck nodding and retreating into the bedroom, but not before catching the fleeting words of Chris ribbing his father, "don't burn the bacon this time, dad." 

Buck couldn't help but smile from Chris as he walked back into Eddie's room, because the kid was right. Eddie was a horrendous cook and it was a miracle Chris survived this far with Eddie's severely lacking culinary skills. That was why they found themselves at the hands of Buck's cooking more often than not this past year, because Buck couldn't fathom the thought of Chris having to eat any more frozen dinners.

Buck just hoped it wouldn't change from his mistakes. He fucked up with the tsunami and the law suit, and he did everything he could to make amends until things finally got back to normal, which he felt they were getting there, and then he had to go and fuck it all up again. 

He pushed that to the back of his mind for now, because right now Chris was waiting for him and any minute he could have with the kid, he took it. He wanted to spend as much time with Chris as he could before Eddie finally kicked Buck out of their lives for good. 

So, he quickly changed out of his soiled clothes and slipped on some of Eddie's before hurrying back out to the kitchen, where the two sat at the table waiting with a newly appeared Carla. Buck didn't even hear the door open when he went to change. 

Carla got up and walked over to Buck to give him a hug while Eddie was explaining the cuts on his face to a questioning Chris, because of course Chris was going to ask about the cuts and bruises, they were impossible to miss. 

"–small accident at work yesterday but I went to the doctor and I'm all better now." 

"Do they hurt?" 

"No, they look worse than they feel, so don't worry about me, okay? You never have to worry, because the team has my back, _always_." 

Chris smiled and nodded before focusing down on his smiley face pancake, seemingly satisfied with the answer, while Buck on the other hand, felt a sheet of ice encase his whole body and leave his hands shaking as he pulled away from Carla's tight, warm hug. 

"Morning Buckaroo, you look exhausted," she smiled and he tried to return it but failed, not only because he was indeed exhausted, but because of the incessant ringing in his head from Eddie's words. 

Eddie was wrong. Buck knew he only said that to make Chris feel better and it _hurt_. Buck wasn't there, he didn't have Eddie's back like he promised. Sure, Bobby was able to push away his fears and take charge to set up a grid search and Hen and Chim were able to follow Bobby's lead, and even help Eddie the moment he resurfaced, but Buck...

 _Buck was useless_.

Buck did nothing but dig at mud and cry, and fall apart on the porch because he was too paralyzed with fear, too fucking weak. 

It was only a matter of time before Eddie came to the same conclusion, if he hadn't already. 

"You should sit down before you fall down," Carla said and her voice pulled him out of his head as he was guided to his seat, where a smiley face pancake stared up at him waiting: strawberry eyes, a strawberry nose, a blueberry smile, and eyebrows made out of whipped cream. 

"Bucky, are you okay?"

Buck startled and looked up from his food to see not only Chris watching him, but Eddie too, and he straightened up in his seat and put on the best smile he could muster. He never realized how hard it could be to smile until now. 

"What? Of course, buddy!" Buck replied at Chris to ease his worries but it didn't seem to work, because he was still frowning, and Buck couldn't stand the sight of Chris not smiling. 

Chris should never be sad. 

"I'm just tired," Buck started and leaned over towards him to whisper loudly enough in his ear so Eddie could hear, "your dad snores too loud." 

Chris laughed and Eddie scoffed, looking affronted and Buck finally felt a weightless smile stretch across his face from the first familiar feeling of normality between the three this morning. 

"I don't snore, you're the one that snores," Eddie fired back and threw a blueberry at Buck's head, which bounced off his forehead and landed on the floor. 

Buck knew this easy familiarity was only temporary, but he basked in it for as long as he could. He could pretend as long as Eddie did. Eddie was probably waiting until Chris left to drop his mask. 

"Whatever you say, _Eduardo_."

" _Pandejo_ ," Eddie muttered with a mouthful of pancake and Buck focused down on his food, biting back another grin because he knew some Spanish, and Portuguese from his time spent in South America.

"Hey now, no food fights this early in the morning," Carla scolded from the kitchen and returned to the table with her own cup of coffee. "So, how are you feeling, Eddie?"

"Sore, but not too bad," Eddie replied with a shrug. "Mostly just tired, I was too exhausted to even dream. I was asleep before my face hit the pillow." 

And just like that, the fleeting tension from the playful back and forth returned with a newfound vengeance, whether the three picked up on it, Buck wasn't sure, but he could feel it. 

He could feel it all the way down to his toes and the way they curled at the reminder of yesterday–not that he ever stopped thinking about it, but it could be pushed to the back of his mind with distractions. Whether or not he could temporarily focus on staying in the moment, it was still there, painted behind his eyelids every time he blinked, hung over Buck's head wherever he moved, like a dark cloud drowning him in the pouring rain with faint thunder rumbling in his ears. 

Carla gave an acknowledging hum and as the two talked, Buck picked at his food, unable to stomach more than a couple bites of eggs and fruit. He didn't realize until now, until the food was right in front of him with an intense, almost nauseating aroma, that his appetite was nonexistent. He knew he needed to eat, but he physically couldn't lift the fork anymore. He was too tired. 

The casual buzz of conversation between the three faded from Buck's ears the longer he stared down at his mocking pancake, it looked like it was laughing at him and he wasn't surprised. The universe loved to mock him in any way possible. Despite it being a literal pancake and having no life or spirit, the pancake somehow looked more alive than how he felt. The face was missing an eye and part of its mouth, and it _still_ looked more alive than how he felt. 

He wanted to slap that look right off the pancake's face. 

And the fact that Buck was thinking that hard about the pancake for that long showed how truly tired he was. His brain was definitely not functioning properly if he was thinking he needed to slap the pancake.

"Buck, you barely touched your food." The combination of Eddie's voice right beside his ear and an accompanying hand on his shoulder had Buck jerking up from his pancake stare down. 

The neighboring chairs were empty and the voices of Carla and Chris could be heard from the kitchen with a distant clinking of dishes. Buck noticed that the table had been partially cleared off already and it made him wonder just how long he sat there, lost in his own mind as the others talked, looking down at his food like it had a vendetta against him. 

He really was _that_ tired. 

There was a squeeze, and he realized that Eddie's hand was still there, a heavy weight on his shoulder. He shrugged it off immediately and stood up with his plate to step away from the critical eyes. He didn't like the way Eddie was staring at him, it looked like Eddie was almost worried, and Buck didn't need that. 

No, he wasn't worth being concerned about. He didn't deserve it. 

Eddie raised an eyebrow in question, like he was waiting for something—right, he was, he said something and was staring at Buck like he lost his mind because he hadn't answered yet. Buck cleared his throat then and straightened up. 

"I just wasn't as hungry as I thought I was," Buck shrugged and headed to the kitchen to join the other two, ending the conversation and questioning eyes.

"You should go back to sleep so we can play later when I get home from school," Chris said as soon as he entered the kitchen with his plate. 

Buck crouched down until he was eye level with Chris and ruffled his hair with a small smile. Buck wanted to respond and promise he would be here at the end of the day to play because he loved the kid and would do anything for him, but he couldn't. He didn't want to lie. 

"Chris, why don't you get you ready for school," Eddie spoke from behind the two and Buck stood back up with a final pat on Chris's shoulder before the two headed to the bathroom to start up the shower. 

With Eddie out of sight, Buck finally let out a deep breath and felt his body sag, from relief or exhaustion, he wasn't sure. It could've easily been both. 

He wasn't sure of anything anymore. He couldn't remember the last time he was. 

"How are you holding up?" Carla asked as she grabbed Buck's plate from his hands. 

Buck watched her, leaning against the counter as Carla finished putting away leftovers. "What do you mean? I'm perfectly fine." 

"Do I look like I was born yesterday?"

"Carla," Buck sighed and squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to subject himself to her narrowing eyes and doubtful tone. 

"Don't you _Carla_ me. I saw the news, Buck, and I've seen the way you've been acting all morning." 

Buck's ears perked up at that. "The news? What do you mean you saw? What did you see? Was Chris watching with you? Did he see anything? Is he–"

"Okay, calm down," she immediately set down the dish she was currently washing and dried off her hands to reach and grab onto Buck's vibrating arms. "Chris didn't see anything. He was getting ready for bed when it all collapsed."

"You...You saw it collapse?" Buck swallowed his breaking voice and choked on his own short and sharp breaths as they scraped the inside of his throat like they were wrapped in barbed wire. 

"I did, and I also saw _you_...and Bobby...and I think you should talk to Eddie about what happened, about how you feel."

"How I feel?" Buck asked incredulously and forced out a hollow laugh. "Why does it matter how I feel? Why do people keep asking me that? Because it doesn't matter. I wasn't...I didn't...I wasn't the one who almost–"

Buck couldn't bring himself to verbally remind himself of last night. The words caught in his throat and he cut himself off before his voice broke again, blinking away the stinging tears that threatened to rise. Carla simply watched him as he tried to calm himself down before any more of his emotions surfaced and exposed any vulnerability. 

Buck cleared his throat and smiled. The corners of his lips shook, flat and forced. "I'm okay, Carla, I'm just tired. You don't need to worry about me." 

She sighed loudly and shook her head before asking, "Are you working today? If you are, maybe you should get someone to cover your shift." 

"No, Bobby texted me last night and gave me the next two days off. My next shift isn't until Saturday morning."

Carla pursed her lips and shook her head again before turning back to the sink with a tsk. "Well, it looks like I'm not the only one worried about you. Why don't you go take a seat on the couch while I finish this." 

Buck wanted to argue but he simply didn't have the energy for it, so he nodded in defeat and headed to the living room where he practically dropped himself onto the couch like a sack of potatoes. As soon as he leaned back into the couch with his head propped up against the top, his eyes were slipping shut and he was sinking into the soft, hugging cushions. 

He couldn't help but drowse off immediately from the supportive cushions that molded and hugged his body. He didn't want to, but after getting only two hours of sleep, he was running past fumes, past empty. He could only hold out for so long. His own cries for Eddie could be heard in a distance, but no images or memories advanced to the forefront of his mind. 

Buck dozed for a little bit, but he was being shaken awake before any clear pictures could present themselves in his light sleep. Eddie leaning over him with a hand on his arm was the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes and to say it startled him would be an understatement. 

"Woah, sorry. Didn't meant to scare you. Why don't you come sleep in my bed," Eddie suggested and stepped back to give Buck room to stand up, stretch, and give his heart a minute to slow down. Rubbing out the crick in the back of his neck, Buck looked around for any sign of the other two in the silent house. 

"Where's Chris?" 

"Carla took him to school so we could get some more sleep, especially you. She was right, you look dead on your feet." 

"You know, I was asleep before you woke me up." Buck couldn't help the roll of his eyes as he slipped past Eddie to move into the kitchen, stifling a yawn as he did so. He reached for the coffee maker but his hand was smacked away before his fingers touched the black handle. 

"You don't need coffee. You need sleep...proper sleep." Eddie used the same scolding tone on Buck as he did with Christopher when he didn't listen to his dad. It almost made Buck want to laugh, almost. 

"And that's why I was taking coffee for the road, so I could drive home and have some _proper sleep_." What Buck didn't say, was that he wanted to go home so he could finally breathe without Eddie's presence as a constant reminder of his own failures. He didn't want to face the consequences, not right now, when the wounds were still so raw and bone deep. 

He needed time to himself, in the safety of his own apartment where he could finally let down all his walls and just...process everything. 

Eddie, seemingly dissatisfied with Buck's answer, crowded Buck into the corner of the kitchen counters and stood with his arms crossed and narrowed eyes focused. The countertop dug into Buck's back, but the discomfort was barely an afterthought with Eddie staring him down. The determined glint in Eddie's eyes was unsettling to say the least. 

"Buck, you're staying here."

"No, I'm leaving." 

"You're in no condition to drive. I'm not letting you leave like this." 

"I'll be _fine_ , Eddie. You need to rest and heal and I'll only be in the way," Buck rambled. 

"Buck." 

"I'll only make things worse if I stay." Buck didn't mean to let the last part slip, but it was too late to take it back. 

"Buck."

Buck tried slipping by the man blocking the way to his keys resting on the kitchen table but he put a hand on Buck's chest with a sharp snap that had Buck freezing him in his tracks from the loud voice. 

"Buck, just stop! _Stop_ , please," Eddie begged and scrunched up Buck's shirt in a fist, the frustration not only seeped through his words, but through his shaking hands as well. "I...I need you to _stay_." 

Eddie was so close, only inches away from Buck as he glared at Buck's chest, refusing to look up and meet the confused blue eyes staring at him. 

Buck could feel the hot breath hit his exposed collarbone and neck, he could smell the ocean breeze body wash on Eddie's damp shirt from helping Chris shower. It was overwhelming and he could feel a cold sweat break across his forehead from the suffocating tension wafting off the brunette, but for the life of him, he couldn't back away. His hands shook with a plea to reach up for Eddie's fist — to wrap the hand in his own or to push it away, Buck had no idea. 

"Why?" The question that rolled off of Buck's tongue was soft and disbelieving, because Buck couldn't wrap his head around the thought of Eddie needing him after everything that happened. 

"Look, I know I'm not the best at talking about things, but..." Eddie paused and slowly lifted his head until dark, almost haunted eyes met Buck's and Buck held his breath from the storm lurking behind the deep browns. The fist loosened and stroked the wrinkled cotton as he sighed deeply and spoke, "I-I just...I don't want to be alone right now, okay? So _please_ stay." 

The thoughts that swarmed Buck's head made it impossible for him to respond. The words in his head contradicted Eddie's words and it made his head spin. He didn't understand why Eddie would want _him_ to stay, there was no way that was what he heard, but the desperate look in Eddie's eyes remained and made him start to think otherwise. 

Buck had convinced himself that Eddie hated him, that there was no way Eddie trusted him anymore, but then came those words and it knocked Buck off his feet, it left him utterly confused and unsure of himself. 

Eddie's words won him over after a lengthy internal battle and Buck managed to nod, which made Eddie relax and drop his hand with a quiet, "thank you."

Buck was still reeling from Eddie's words, _I need you_ , and he didn't even notice either of them moved until they were both in the bedroom with Eddie pushing Buck towards the bed. He stumbled from the sudden push but caught his footing and followed climbing into the bed after another nudge. 

Beside the white noise from the whirling ceiling fan, the room was silent while the two situated themselves until they were both comfortable on their backs. Neither said a word for the first few minutes, both occupied themselves with staring up at the ceiling. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Buck could see Eddie tapping his fingers against his chest, as if he were waiting for one of them to break the silence or gathering up the courage himself to speak first. 

There was a long sigh from beside him and then words were filling up the room, words that had Buck squeezing his eyes shut and nearly begging Eddie to stop talking. 

"You know, when I was stuck down there, trying to find a way out, for the briefest moment, I really thought I was gonna die." 

Buck felt his heart stop and his whole body went completely numb. The wind had been knocked right of out him. 

"Eddie," Buck rasped and fought the tears that burned behind his shut lids from the sudden confession. A few stray tears escaped and slipped down behind Buck's ears, but Eddie didn't mention it if he saw. 

Buck didn't want to hear this, but he knew it was coming eventually. Eddie had been getting better at expressing himself and talking about his feelings after the whole fighting phase, whereas Buck was moving in the opposite direction. While he was incredibly proud of how far the man had come, he wasn't ready to hear it. 

"I was so tired and I had no way of catching my breath and I really thought...I really thought that was it, Buck." Eddie laughed and wiped at his eyes before clearing his throat to continue, "but it wasn't." 

"It almost was," Buck couldn't voice himself above a crackling whisper due to the solid lump in his throat. 

"It _wasn't_...because Chris, and _you_ , and the rest of the 118 kept me alive."

Buck's previous stopped heart began hammering against his rib cage and his vision blurred as he choked out, "I didn't do a damn thing." He wanted to say more, he wanted to shake sense into Eddie and scream that it was his fault, but no other words could slip off his twisted tongue. 

"Buck." 

A warm, calloused hand covered Buck's tightly wound fist, which he didn't even realize he balled up his hands that rested on his abdomen in the first place, but the solid squeeze had his fingers relaxing until they splayed out across his shirt beneath the soothing weight. Buck didn't dare look over at Eddie, who he could feel was burning holes in the side of his face. He kept his gaze on the white, popcorn ceiling, which was actually quite dangerous and toxic. 

"I thought I couldn't swim anymore but then I heard _your_ voice, Buck. I heard you and saw all of the memories of _us_ and _Chris_ and the 118 and then I was swimming again to the surface. You kept me alive, Buck." 

"I didn't–"

"You have done more for me than anyone in this world. You have done more than you could ever know." 

Eddie squeezed Buck's hand once more before letting go and turning onto his stomach to fluff up his pillow and sleep, seemingly done with the conversation. 

Buck had no idea what to think after what was just said. He couldn't stop replaying the words over in his head, it just added to the already building confusion, because Eddie didn't sound mad or blame him for anything and it was impossible to wrap his mind around that possibility. 

Eddie must've noticed the gears turning at a hundred miles an hour in Buck's head because he kicked Buck's leg and grumbled. 

"Stop glaring at my ceiling and go to sleep." 

Buck didn't respond, but his eyelids gradually drooped more and more the longer he watched the ceiling fan until he finally succumbed to comforting warmth around him, his doubts and insecurities were finally quiet for once, drowned out by Eddie. 

Buck finally slept.


	4. Avoidance Makes The Heart Hurt Deeper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck spends the next few days at the Diaz household, strapped to Eddie’s side wherever he moves. His odd actions don’t go unnoticed by either Diaz, and the overall worrying and tensions increase as time goes by.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: tsunami nightmare, nothing graphic but thought I’d add anyway

Buck felt weird. He was acting weird and he knew it, but couldn't stop it no matter how hard he tried. 

After getting a good five hour sleep, Eddie convinced Buck to go with him to pick up Chris from school on Tuesday, and Chris practically bounced up and down in his seat trying to convince Buck to spend the night again. In turn, that resulted in the same thing the next day on Wednesday because Buck was unable to say no to that innocent, hopeful smile. 

It didn't help that Eddie said having Buck around made him feel a little better. While Buck didn't exactly believe those words, he still stayed. 

As the next couple days went by, Buck noticed the increasing amount of looks being thrown his way by Eddie, and he knew it was because he was acting completely off. He was nervous and withdrawn, and he hovered around Eddie wherever he moved but always far too distant at the same time. 

Buck stopped Eddie from doing all chores—from cooking, to cleaning, to even something so simple as getting the mail, and he couldn't figure out why he was acting so strange. Buck practically forced Eddie to sit on the couch all day, but then remained quiet and closed off when Eddie tried making conversation. 

Buck could tell he was getting on Eddie's nerves and he was waiting for the moment that Eddie snapped and kicked him out. If it weren't due to the strange behavior towards the brunet, then it had to be the restless nights in Eddie's bed, tossing and turning. 

The nightmares happened more often than he liked to admit, that was why Buck fought tooth and nail to sleep on the couch Tuesday night and Wednesday, but Eddie was somehow more stubborn than him, with the relentless scolding that the couch was 'shit' and horrible on the back. 

Eddie saw Buck's exhausted movements and he tried to bring up everything and ask what was wrong, but Buck shot him down with every attempt, until Eddie gave up and stopped asking (Buck could win the stubborn medal too sometimes). 

The severity of his recent behavior didn't register in Buck's brain until Thursday night, after another day of tired smiles, slow movements, putting Eddie on bed rest and avoiding Carla's unimpressed looks when she picked up Chris for school and dropped him back off. She agreed on some level that Eddie needed to take it easy, so she came over to help with Chris so Eddie didn't have to worry about it while healing and Buck didn't have to worry about it while worrying about Eddie and his healing. 

Buck, Eddie, and Chris were in the middle of watching Bolt, and Eddie had just left to go to the bathroom. Anxiety automatically creeped in from the distance Eddie created, and all Buck wanted to do was spring up from his seat to go check on him, just like every other time Eddie went since the accident, but he didn't want to worry Chris if he abruptly ran off for no reason. 

Eddie needed help showering on Tuesday after the nap and Buck sat on the toilet during his Wednesday and Thursday shower just in case Eddie slipped — he was still sore after all — so it was safe to say Buck was not entirely confident in letting Eddie move around on his own. 

Chris turned to Buck and grabbed onto his arm before his thoughts could trigger any sort of movement to go help his friend. 

"Buck?" 

Buck realized his leg had started shaking and made sure to stop it before moving his attention down to the kid saddled up to him. He met those innocent, wide eyes with a raised brow. 

"What's up buddy?" 

"Why are you so sad?" 

That caught Buck off guard and he was left sputtering for an answer. "What? What do you mean?" 

Instead of answering Buck's immediate questions, Chris asked instead, "Do you not want to be here anymore? Is that why you're sad?"

Buck's jaw dropped slightly from surprise and immediately shook his head with more words automatically flying out of his mouth to reassure and hopefully erase the frown on Chris's face. 

"I'm not sad, Chris! How could I possibly be sad when I'm here with you? Nothing makes me happier than spending time with my favorite kid!" Buck poked Chris's stomach and tickled him until squeals of laughter filled the buzzing room, a successful distraction for Chris and his worrying. 

A new wave of guilt and shame seeped through every pore of Buck's body but he ignored it in favor of the ball of sunshine currently at his hand's mercy. He was feeling so...so _weird_ and on edge, and Chris was incredibly smart and observant, Buck should've realized that he would pick up on any odd behavior. 

Buck had hoped that as the days went on, as the distance between him and the accident increased, the pain and the memory would fade, the weight on his shoulders and chest would lessen, and that his mind would clear some — but he was wrong. If anything, as the days went on, the memory and lingering pain manifested like a malignant tumor, his body dragged from lugging around the relentless weight, and the smog in his head thickened until he was lost inside his own mind, trying to navigate through his thoughts blind. 

With every look in Eddie's direction, there was a sudden pain in Buck's chest, like a hand had wrapped around his heart and squeezed in a tight, deadly grip, in hopes for his organ to pop. 

He was losing it and had no idea why or what to do about it. Logically, he knew he should probably leave to clear his head, he knew it since day one, and it was only a matter of time before all the brewing emotions stuck in this situation reared it's ugly head, but he couldn't get himself to do it. He couldn't leave because there was also another part of him that bristled at the thought of letting Eddie out of his sight, even for just a minute. 

It kept Buck shackled to Eddie's side. 

It was an exhausting contradiction to say the least. His mind was playing tug of war, and he wasn't sure how much longer he could keep the lid on himself. 

A squeal forced Buck out of his own thoughts and he focused back down on Christopher again, who was still being tickled by Buck's hands and pleading for a truce. Eddie returned with a smile at the two and the tickling ceased so the three could resume the movie, which Buck had no idea was about since he had been struggling with paying attention from the beginning. 

Throughout the rest of the movie, Buck could see Eddie periodically checking his phone from his peripheral, and one of the texts had Eddie furrowing his brows and glancing at Buck before returning down to his phone to type out another message. Buck was curious as to what made Eddie look so confused, but he didn't dare ask, because it wasn't any of his business for one, and by the string of looks cast in Buck's direction after, he was scared to hear the answer. 

By the end of the movie, Chris was asleep, rested against Buck's side. Buck ignored Eddie's movements towards his kid and scooped up the sleeping child before the other had the chance to reach. Chris maybe looked small and light, but he had grown a lot over the past two years and Buck didn't want Eddie to strain himself lifting a heavier, uneven weight. 

Eddie gave him another look but didn't say anything as he followed Buck to Chris's room, where Chris was tucked into bed and given a forehead kiss from the oldest with a small smile. 

The two then silently walked back to the kitchen where Eddie grabbed two beers for himself and Buck, which Buck took and nodded in thanks before taking a large swig. Leaned against the counters, the two drank without conversation. Buck stared ahead at the pictures and drawings on the fridge, trying to ignore the analyzing eyes on the side of his face. 

Two stood out to him the most. One showed the three of them standing beside a fire truck with fire helmets on, and the other showed them all holding hands with their names written across the top in bold, colorful letters. It made the back of Buck's eyes sting and his lips wobble. 

"Buck." 

Eddie's sudden voice had Buck straightening up before slowly turning towards the man across from him, suddenly aware of the uncomfortable energy in the room. He wondered if Eddie felt it too, and he needed to break the weird tension between them, the tension that Buck probably created himself. 

Buck cleared his throat and finally met the brown eyes that were trained on him, but didn't open his own mouth. He waited for Eddie to go on. 

"You've been uncharacteristically quiet these past couple days." 

"Have I?" He most definitely had been. It didn't help that his voice decided to crack just then to prove Eddie's point, as if he hadn't used it in weeks. Buck cleared his throat immediately. 

Eddie rolled his eyes and nodded. " _Yes_ , you have. What's been going on with you? You've been acting weird. You know you can talk to me, right?" 

Buck sighed and screwed his eyes shut, searching deep within himself to find the right answers for Eddie's question, but he came up empty. He wasn't sure what to say, because he didn't even understand what he was feeling himself. 

"Nothing's been going on, Eddie. You'd be the first to know if there was." That was what Buck came up with when he opened his eyes again, and he didn't even believe it himself, so it was no surprise that his response did nothing to settle the narrowed chocolate eyes and deep frown aimed at him. If anything, it only made the expression deeper, and Buck feel even _more_ guilty. It was a surprise that Buck was still standing with the amount of guilt and shame circulating in his blood. 

"Come on, man, you can't lie to me. I've known you for over two years and in those two years, we have practically spent every waking minute together. Not only that, I got Carla mentioning the same concerns and Bobby too." 

Now _that_ got Buck's attention. 

Carla and Bobby talked about him to Eddie, and it made his insides twist at what they could've said. The possibilities were endless, and none of them were good. The one that worried him the most, was that they talked to Eddie about the accident, about his fuck ups and his reaction. Bobby was there, he witnessed it firsthand, and Carla watched it on tv. 

"What'd they say?" Buck immediately asked, and he didn't mean for his voice to come out so small and unsure, but it did, and it only made Eddie's visual suspicion grow even more serious, and maybe even irritated by the sudden tic in his jaw. 

Eddie sat his beer down on the counter to rub his face with both hands and groan, which meant yes, he was indeed irritated. "Jesus, Buck, you're missing the point! Does it even matter? They're just worried about you — _like me_ — because they also must've seen how you've been acting!" 

The sharp tone made Buck want to flinch, but he managed to stand his ground. "They don't need to be worried about me, neither do you. If anything, you should be focused on yourself so you can get better!" 

Buck didn't like how their whispers were growing heated, how their volume was raising as they bickered back and forth, but Buck couldn't help it when he found himself backed into a corner and forced on the defensive, desperate to shift the attention away from him. He hated how he was being seen right through. 

"I _am_ better, Buck! You're the one who–"

Eddie must've sensed the same growing concern, because he paused, shut his eyes and unclenched his fists that had balled up on their own with a long sigh. 

"Look, I don't want to argue. I just don't understand how you can tell me I need to worry about myself and turn a blind eye when you're obviously in pain and won't talk to me or let me help. You always go out of your way for me, like with the showering and the cleaning and the cooking. You've done nothing but help me these past two years, because you care, right?" 

"Of course, Eddie," Buck nodded like it was obvious. "I'd do anything for you."

"So don't you think I would want to do the same for you?" 

A lot of thoughts surfaced Buck's mind at once, leaving him paralyzed and unable to speak as he stared at a waiting, watching Eddie, who grew more impatient and annoyed by each second that followed with silence. 

Buck couldn't simply say yes, because hypothetically, sure, Eddie should do the same, but all he could think about was how he didn't deserve the same courtesy. He was exhausting enough already, he didn't want to add to Eddie's stress...the stress that _he_ was responsible for. 

Besides, his problems were minuscule in comparison to everyone else's, it was a waste of time and energy for everyone to talk about it. 

"Of course I know that," Buck finally responded and flashed a bright grin to hopefully ease some of the tension, "but there's nothing wrong, so stop with the over-protective parenting...unless you want me to start calling you dad." 

Eddie scoffed and crossed his arms. "I am not acting like an over-protective parent, you're just acting like an immature child who needs to be scolded." Buck hummed and his grin spread even wider across his face. 

"I could make it worse and call you daddy instead–" Eddie cut him off with an accusing finger before Buck could say anything else. 

"Don't you dare say it." 

Buck threw his hands up in surrender and chuckled at Eddie's rather horrified scowl, which quickly melted into a smile of his own as the two finally laughed together for the first time since the accident. 

Some of the tension remained, but it wasn't as stifling as before, and the following silence as they finished their beers felt more comfortable and normal. Buck was glad Eddie didn't press any harder, even though he could tell on the brunet's face that he wanted to. 

The two ended up back on the couch then, finding something to watch for the next hour or so, since neither of them were tired yet. If Eddie noticed Buck's frequent glances in his direction, he didn't comment on it. 

It took a full episode and a half of _Ozark_ for drowsiness to start pulling at their eyelids, and they finished the second episode before giving up on fighting against the heavy blinks and incriminating yawns. 

Eddie turned off the tv and stood up to stretch before nodding in the direction of his bedroom to Buck, who had yet to move from his spot. Buck wanted to argue again, that he could sleep on the couch, but the past nights had been futile, so he saved his breath and followed the older man into his room. The two went about their nightly routine of getting ready for bed in silence, Buck right behind Eddie in case he needed any help. 

Eddie said he was better, but Buck didn't believe him one bit. He could still see the bright, angry bruises that had yet to start fading, and the strict, stiff movements that kept Buck on high alert with Tylenol always in reaching distance. The bottle might as well had been strapped to his side. 

Buck watched Eddie wash his face and brush his teeth from the doorway, and then Eddie was clearing his throat with a pointed look in Buck's direction. 

"What? What's wrong?" Buck immediately asked and made a step towards Eddie, but he was stopped with a hand on his chest and a dramatic eye roll. 

"Buck, how many times do we have to do this? Unless you want to get an eyeful of my junk, you should probably step out of the bathroom so I can pee." 

The immediate blush on Buck's cheeks burned and he quickly looked away, clearing his throat. "Right, sorry." The door shut in his face once he stepped out of the way, the sound reverberated off the walls and struck his chest with a painful, repeating thud that echoed in his heart. 

Buck hated not being able to see Eddie and this time, he didn't have Chris to distract him from his own paranoia. The longer he stood with a barrier between the two, the faster his heart pounded. Ants crawled beneath his skin and left him twitchy, ready to jump into action at any sort of sign of distress. 

If something happened in there, he couldn't get to him, and that thought made him nauseous. 

He knew he was being dramatic, but he couldn't help or stop the itch to break down the door so he could see Eddie with his own two eyes. His hands shook and balled up into painfully tight fists from the amount of force it took to plant his feet in the ground and hold himself back. 

Buck couldn't see him, hear him, or touch him...he felt like there was a forty feet barrier between the two of them again, and Buck couldn't handle that a second time. 

He just needed to be _sure_. 

"Eddie?" Buck ended up knocking on the door and putting his ear up to the wood, to see if he could hear any sort of movement or response. He heard nothing in return, and he was about to call out again, but stopped when he heard the sound of the toilet flushing. His whole body relaxed and he stepped back from the door with a shake of his head, chastising himself for being such a lunatic. 

He needed to get a grip. 

The door finally opened after another painful minute and as soon as Buck laid eyes on Eddie, he did a quick once over to make sure his friend was still in tact, which he was. Buck rushed to brush his teeth, wash his face and use the bathroom, and the next thing he knew, he was under the covers, lying on his side, staring at Eddie in the darkness. 

It was the first night the two lied in bed without the bedside lamp on. Buck wasn't sure if it was comforting or unsettling. It made the silence seem much louder than previous nights. The pitch black surroundings lit their unspoken words between them like a neon sign, blinking and crying to be acknowledged. The comfort of not being seen made all of Buck's worries and thoughts more compelling to say, as if the blackness could cover him with a safety blanket from the judgement and negativity that his words would most likely cause. That in itself was unsettling. 

There was sudden movement from beside Buck, and he focused on the silhouette to see that Eddie had turned over onto his side to mirror Buck, so they were staring at each other. He couldn't actually see it, but he felt the eyes on him. Eddie was the first to break the silence again. 

"I know I've said this before, but I just wanted to say thank you again for being here, for...for staying as long as you have. I'm sure you're probably dying to go back to your apartment and sleep in your own bed and wear your own clothes — to finally relax without me or-or Chris and all this chaos, but I really appreciate it, man. It means a lot." 

Buck swallowed and blinked away the sudden onslaught of tears threatening to escape his lids, and cleared his throat to respond. "O-Of course, anything for you guys. I'm here for as long as you two need." 

"Yeah?" Buck could hear the smile in Eddie's voice, and that made his heart jump for a reason that he didn't have the energy to pick apart. "Well, you might want to be careful with who hears that, because today while you were making dinner, Chris asked me why you don't just move in so you can make us food everyday." 

The two chuckled together and Buck couldn't help the fond smile that spread across his face at the thought of Chris, "god, I love that kid." 

There was a pause, and then in a soft, gentle voice, Eddie responded, "I know you do, and he loves you just as much."

Buck didn't know what to say to that, so he didn't say anything. The silence was short lived, so it didn't matter either way. 

"And because he loves you, he worries too, Buck." 

Buck should've known the conversation would take a turn to something more serious. It was nothing but serious talk these past few days and he was over it. "Eddie..."

"You know, he also asked me if you were okay today, and I...I didn't know what to tell him, because obviously you're not and I can't figure out why and you won't _talk_ to me...and I just don't want you shutting everyone out again. The last time you did that, the lawsuit happened and I can't go through that again."

Bringing up the lawsuit felt like a physical punch to Buck's gut, and he couldn't help but flinch away from the impactful word. He thought Eddie was over the lawsuit, Eddie said that he was but...but maybe he was lying. Maybe he really didn't trust Buck like he said. 

"Eddie, I'm sorry," Buck apologized and the long sigh from beside him made him want to curl into himself even more. 

"I don't want you to apologize, Buck. I want you to talk to someone–anyone. You bend over backwards for everyone around you but then keep them at a distance. You gotta let people in, man, and that's coming from _me_ , the person who nearly killed a guy because I didn't want to talk about my feelings. I had to learn the hard way." 

Buck wanted to scream that Eddie was wrong, that letting people close to him was bad, because people either got hurt, or realized that he wasn't good enough and left. Eddie had already gotten hurt multiple times because of Buck, he couldn't risk Eddie leaving too. 

He didn't say any of that, though. He simply nodded and forced out an, "okay," before turning over to face away from his friend and force himself to go to sleep. He didn't want to hear anymore of it, so he shut his eyes and shut out the world. There was another sigh from behind him, but no other words were spoken. 

The darkness was no longer comforting now that he didn't have any distractions. It was frightening and suffocating, and there was no protecting himself from his crying subconscious, from the inevitable fore-fronting guilt and fear that clung to his brain like a parasite. 

Faint echoes of his own voice yelling for Eddie could be heard just over the approaching horizon and he almost felt the rain drops pelting his face all over again as he was thrown back into the thick, heavy mud that kept reappearing with every desperate swipe of his gloved hands. 

He kept digging, until his hands bled and throbbed, but the mud only piled up as it swarmed him — it wrapped around Buck's ankles in a vice grip and he clawed at the ground for purchase as he was pulled down into the earth, until he was drowning, inhaling mud and...and salty water. 

Where did the water come from? 

Buck had no idea why but there was so much water and when he opened his eyes, it burned. It burned like his eyes were on fire and he wanted to claw them out but he had to find the right way up, he had to fight against the current and _breathe_ and...then he heard Eddie yelling for him, yelling his name. 

Buck followed the sound of his voice until he breached the surface with a gargled gasp and he was back at the pier, coughing and climbing onto the nearby fire truck for higher ground so he could look out in search for the source of those ferocious cries. 

"Buck! Dad needs help!" A newly appeared Christopher, drenched and shaking, spoke from beside him and Buck followed his point in direction until his eyes landed on a familiar brunet bobbing up and down for air as he gradually sunk around the rising water. 

"Buck!" Eddie cried and coughed as he continued to swallow the water that continued to rise. It looked like he was stuck, caught on something.

"Eddie! Eddie, just hold on! I'm coming!" Buck screamed and tried to dive back into the water but his body wouldn't move. 

Why couldn't he move? 

"Save him, Bucky! You have to save him!" 

"I-I-I'm trying! I can't move!" Buck watched helplessly as Eddie's bobbing head became less and less noticeable the longer he remained on top of the ladder truck, paralyzed on his feet, as if there were an invisible shield blocking him from jumping back into the water. 

All he could do was stand there and watch as Eddie gasped for air and swallowed the wall of water around him, until his head stopped coming back up, until he disappeared beneath the surface and his hand that reached out towards Buck sunk, until the tips of his fingers succumbed to the salty waves. 

"I'm sorry," He cried out and dropped to his knees to hug a sobbing Chris who punched Buck's body repeatedly. 

"You were supposed to protect him! It's your fault! It's all your fault, Buck! I hate you! _I hate you!_ "

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Buck repeated over and over again, squeezing his eyes shut as Christopher squirmed and continued smacking the arms around him. 

When Buck opened his eyes again with a jolt, it was to a familiar darkness, and panting echoed in his ears as if he were out of breath from running a marathon. Buck wiped the sweat from his forehead and sat up on the bed, and turned to the side to make out Eddie's steady frame rising and falling with each breath. He wanted to reach out, to touch him and feel his heartbeat beneath his fingers...to make sure he was alive and okay, but he didn't make any moves. He didn't want to wake Eddie from his sleep, he was a light sleeper and it was a miracle Buck hadn't woken him up already. 

Still catching his breath, Buck gently crawled out of bed and tip toed to the kitchen to get a glass of water. His pounding heart had finally started to slow, and his shaking hands steadied once he grabbed a cool glass from the near cabinet. He filled the glass in the sink and gulped down the whole cup — the cold liquid soothed the burning in his throat and settled his uneasy stomach. Well after the empty cup had been sat in the sink, Buck stood in the same spot, leaning over the sink, still catching his bearings. 

The nightmare took him by surprise. It was the first time he dreamt of Eddie in the tsunami. Normally, his tsunami nightmares consisted of him drowning in darkness and fighting the current, or wading through the aftermath in search of Chris. The most recent ones had been about the accident and recovering Eddie's body. 

He wasn't sure what to make of what he just dreamt, but he was sure that he didn't want to go back to sleep after that, even with the heavy pull of exhaustion. 

He knew he couldn't stand in the kitchen forever though, so he eventually made his way back to dimly lit bedroom. Buck stopped in the doorway at the sight of an illuminated Eddie sitting up, rubbing his eyes. He had turned on the bedside lamp. 

"Hey, you alright?" Eddie asked and yawned behind his hand. Buck walked back over to the bed with hesitance, before sitting down and facing Eddie's tired but alert eyes searching his own. 

"Yeah, sorry if I woke you, I was just getting some water," Buck replied and rubbed the back of his neck.

"It's fine. You sure you're okay? You seem...I don't know." 

"I was just thirsty. I'm good, man." 

Eddie watched him, looking like he was contemplating something, as if he wanted to say more, but ended up just nodding his head and lying back down. Buck followed suit and then they were plunged back into darkness once more. 

"Night, Buck." 

"Goodnight." 

Buck lay awake for a while, his body was ready to fall back asleep, but his mind spun in circles, unable to quiet down. He wondered about the man beside him, how Eddie was so calm and unbothered about the accident, how he could fall asleep so _easily_. He only talked about it once the other night, and that was it. 

If Eddie was having nightmares, it didn't show. He didn't toss and turn like Buck or wake up gasping for air. The dark circles around his eyes were clearing up as the days went by, not worsening like Buck thought would happen. 

Buck knew that Eddie internalized everything, that he wasn't the best at opening up, but if there was something wrong, physical signs appeared, like the bruises from street fighting, the cold shoulder and deep glare with passive aggressive comments from the lawsuit, and the explosive confrontation at the grocery store. 

There was nothing this time, and that threw Buck through a loop, because it felt like Buck was more affected by it than Eddie, and it shouldn't be like that, especially with the cause of the accident lying right beside him. 

It made Buck wonder if the signs were there, and he was missing them. He had been so caught up in himself and his own mistakes, that maybe he wasn't paying enough attention to what was going on right in front of him. Buck was starting to realize that he really did make everything about himself. 

What if Eddie was struggling and didn't trust Buck enough to talk about it? What if Eddie was holding back, what if he wanted Buck gone, but was too scared to say it? 

Buck couldn't allow that, he never wanted Eddie to feel like he had to hide his pain ever again. He made a promise to himself then, that he would push away his insecurities and talk to Eddie, even if it meant having to confront what he was most scared of, even if it meant that he'd lose Eddie forever. 

Helping people was what Buck did, that's who he was, and that meant he would be there for Eddie emotionally too, not just physically, even if it hurt him. 

They had to talk about the accident tomorrow. 

His mind gradually quieted down after that. It took a while before Buck could fall back asleep again, but when he finally did, he didn't dream of anything, and he counted that as a win in his book.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, things finally pop off :) be prepared ahaha things r realized and there could possibly be some good ol crying involved 
> 
> Sorry this one was kinda a filler but I needed a chapter to explain and show the things buck does for the next 4 days to understand the effect that the accident rlly had on him u know


	5. The Breaking Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie gets Buck to open up finally. Crying, reassurance and hugs ensue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn’t stop editing and changing things in the chapter but I needed to just post it lol bc I was starting to hate it after re reading it so many times

As soon as Buck woke up the next morning, he was met with an empty room that was far too bright for his liking. He wasn't sure how long he slept for, but he took any amount of dreamless sleep he could have without question. 

He groaned and turned over onto his stomach to bury his face in the pillow, to hide from the painful sun that beamed through the open windows. He was about to try and go back to sleep, but realization of the empty bed had him springing up and nearly giving himself whiplash from turning so fast in search for Eddie. The alarm clock on Eddie's side read that it was almost eleven, and he forced down the unease of not knowing where Eddie was and got out of bed. 

His bladder protested as he walked past the bathroom and straight to the kitchen with quick, stiff steps and a pounding heart, and felt himself physically deflate once he laid eyes on Eddie sitting on the couch in the living room with his laptop on his thighs. A relieved sigh escaped from his lips and he stopped short just of the doorway from the kitchen that opened up into the living room. Eddie seemed too engrossed with whatever was on his screen to notice Buck leaning on the wall, watching him. 

Buck finally spoke up after another couple seconds, when the man still didn't look up from the screen, "Hey, why didn't you wake me up? It's almost eleven." 

Eddie shut his laptop abruptly and turned to Buck with a rather troubled look on his face, but before Buck had the chance to ask, Eddie did that weird face scrunch, a known telltale sign that he was trying his hardest to hold his emotions in, before forcing on a smile. "Thought I'd let you sleep in," he shrugged and sat up straighter on the couch, clearing his throat and looking back down. "His show and tell isn't until 1:30." 

Eddie was hiding something, Buck clearly saw it, and he couldn't help but push, especially after what he promised himself last night. "Are you okay?" He asked and watched a still Eddie, who was still staring down at his shut laptop. He wouldn't look up, but Buck could see the pinched expression again, so his worry only increased the longer Eddie remained quiet. "Eddie?" 

"I just uh," Eddie paused and shook his head, rubbing his face before finally looking up to meet Buck's stare. The glassy eyes had Buck walking over in an instant, until he was sat down right beside the man who still struggled to respond. "Carla...She sent me a video this morning, and _Buck_..." 

The color drained from Buck's face, he could physically feel it, the same as his heart dropping into his stomach as he tried his best to find his voice amidst the fear that fogged up his whole head. He couldn't tell what Eddie was feeling by the careful look that now sported his face, and he wasn't sure if it made things better or worse. 

Was he hiding his emotions for his sake or for Buck's? 

"I had no idea that that's what happened topside. I-I asked Bobby about it but he was weirdly vague and kept asking about you and how you were doing. I didn't realize how terrifying that was for you. I'm sorry, Buck." 

Eddie reached out but Buck stood up before he could get a solid grip, so Buck slipped out of his fingers and put plenty of space between them. 

"Are you hungry?" Was what Buck asked, completely ignoring everything that just happened. He realized then, that he wasn't ready to talk about it, promise be damned. He couldn't, not right now, and if it made him a coward, that was fine with him. Eddie stood up and followed Buck into the kitchen as he continued, "I can make some food before you leave for Chris's presentation." 

"Are you serious? We need to talk about this, Buck!" 

"There's nothing to talk about, alright? You saw the video, end of story. There's nothing else to it." 

"Buck," Eddie tried again but Buck ignored him in favor of opening the fridge, which Eddie immediately slammed shut. Buck squared his shoulders but remained in his spot, glaring at the hand on the refrigerator door. 

"I'm fine."

"No you're not–"

"Just leave it, Eddie!" Buck finally snapped, and the surprised look on the brunet's face had him shrinking in on himself, as if it could make him disappear. "I'm sorry, I just don't want to talk about it right now. I didn't mean to yell," he apologized. 

The silence only lasted for a few beats before Eddie sighed and gave in. "Okay, fine, we'll talk about it later, but I'm not letting you out of it after this," He warned, and Buck nodded. Once he stepped back from the larger man, Buck relaxed a little and opened up the fridge again, but paused when Eddie went on, "and I actually need you to shower and get ready because you're coming with me." 

Buck whirled his head around so quick, he nearly snapped his neck. "What? Why?"

"Chris wants you there, he told me this morning. Now, go shower. I'll make us some sandwiches or something." 

Buck immediately shook his head and moved towards his friend, to do what, he didn't know, but he was sure that he didn't want Eddie moving around so much making food. 

"I can make us food, Eddie. Who knows what kind of concoction you'd come up with. I'm not trying to get food poisoning," was what Buck responded with, but Eddie didn't back down like he hoped he would. 

"Buck, _shower_." 

The raised brow, crossed arms, and unamused stare had Buck sighing and nodding, realizing quickly that he wasn't going to win this fight, not when Eddie wore that serious, parent look that was normally reserved for Christopher. 

"Okay, okay. I'll be right back," Buck said and hurried back to shower. 

He wasted no time stepping into the frigid spray, not even bothering to wait for the water to heat up. The shower was fast — as fast as he could go in hopes that he would be finished before Eddie had the chance to do too much without him there to watch. If Eddie wanted to make lunch, fine, but Buck wanted to be there right beside him to make sure nothing happened. Buck was too busy worrying about Eddie in the kitchen with no supervision to think about him seeing the video. 

He dried himself off with lightning speed and hurried back into the bedroom in search for the new, unused boxers that Eddie kept in his top drawer. Buck had just slipped on a new pair of boxers and was sifting through Eddie's bottom drawer for some basketball shorts, when he heard a shout and a following crash that sent a sheet of ice raining down on top of him. 

"Eddie?" Buck called out and was in the kitchen in the split of a second, heart racing and eyes searching frantically. His wet feet nearly caused him to slip on the wood floor, but he righted himself in time to turn the corner. 

A glass bowl with salsa spilt on the floor barely registered in Buck's eyes as he stepped over it to reach Eddie, who was standing with his hands over the sink. A half cut tomato and knife were left abandoned on the cutting board with drops of blood and–

_Blood_. There was blood! Why was there blood? 

As soon as Buck spotted the crimson drops, his vision and mind clouded, and he all but yanked Eddie away from the sink and to the nearest chair, grabbing paper towels along the way, mumbling nonsense as he looked around wildly and almost unseeing. 

All Buck could see was red — there was too much blood and there was a chunk missing from Eddie's finger, it sent him reeling into overdrive. Buck was spinning because Eddie was hurt–he needed to go to the hospital! Eddie was _hurt_ again and he could bleed out and _die_ and tetanus, Eddie could get _tetanus_ from the knife and he needed to call an ambulance and–

"Buck!" 

Buck snapped his eyes up from staring at Eddie's covered hand that Buck was holding in his and met Eddie's horrified expression. 

"It's just a cut, Buck," Eddie tried explaining but Buck wasn't listening as he pressed paper towels harder against the deep, gushing gash. 

What if the ambulance didn't get there in time? Would it be faster if Buck drove? He could feel the erratic pulse in Eddie's finger, the blood pumping and pouring out of the gaping wound. 

"I-I need to–you're–this is–I need a _phone_ ," Buck stuttered out and sprang up to race back into the room where his phone rested on the bed, but Eddie latched onto Buck's wrist before he could take a step and pulled Buck back down to eye level. 

"You need to calm down," Eddie demanded but Buck shook his head, fighting back tears. 

"You're bleeding, Eddie! I need to get you to the hospital!" Buck cried out and ignored Eddie's raising voice. 

"Buck." 

"You could...You could bleed out–"

"Buck."

"–or get an infection and then end up needing to get it _amputated_ –"

"Buck!" 

"I'm so sorry, Eddie. I turn away and people get hurt–they _always_ get hurt and it's my fault—it's _all_ my fault and I'm _sorry_ –"

"Evan!" 

The combination of Eddie's sharp yell and an ice cold hand touching Buck's cheek had him freezing in his spot, knelt down in between Eddie's legs, staring at the towel covered hand sandwiched between his own. 

"I'm okay, Buck. It's just a small cut, alright? I'm going to move the towel and show you." Eddie dropped his hand from Buck's cheek and gently pulled the crumpled paper towel out of Buck's shaking hands to reveal the bloody pointer finger. "My finger slipped cutting the tomato, that's all. I'm not going to bleed out, I promise. It's slowing up already, see? _I'm okay_." 

Buck stared at the finger and the blood that slowly oozed from the cut before being absorbed by the paper towel that Eddie took control of. He didn't let go of Eddie's hand, but his grip gradually loosened as the spots in his vision disappeared and his sight cleared. 

It was as if the cut shrunk before his focusing eyes, and finally, Buck could see for the first time. 

The deep, gushing gash that he previously saw was nothing more than a glorified paper cut, a few drops of blood slipping past the break in the skin. A part of his finger wasn't missing after all. 

Buck couldn't stop the sudden hysterical laughter from spilling out, nor could he hold back the river of burning tears as his grip completely slackened. He dropped his head onto Eddie's thigh, losing all strength in his body as he came to terms with the fact that his eyes had played tricks on him. 

"I'm sorry I scared you." 

"I-I just...I don't know why I..." Buck paused, because he did know why he freaked out. The accident had been replaying behind his lids the whole time. The terror that pumped through his veins at the thought of Eddie dying again had amplified everything around him, as if he were in the mud reliving it all over again, clawing for the man that sat right in front of him. 

It finally become too much, and Buck couldn't hold it back anymore. 

He just couldn't. 

"You...You almost died, Eddie," Buck choked on the rock in his throat and balled his hands up into fists, and once he opened that door, his emotions came spilling out all at once. "I almost lost you that night and there was _nothing_ I could do and I can't...I can't get it out of my fucking head." The moment he finally admitted it out loud, the moment he processed his own words, he broke down in a fit of sobs. 

"I'm sorry," Buck repeated over and over again. Eddie grabbed onto Buck's trembling arms and moved from the chair and down onto the floor to pull Buck into a desperately needed hug. The younger man cried into the side of his neck as he gently rocked them back and forth, and Buck squeezed him like his life depended on it. 

"There's nothing for you to be sorry for. I'm okay, Buck. I'm okay," Eddie soothed and Buck shook his head at the mistakes that ran through his mind, all the things he should've done differently. 

Buck felt a few tears wet his bare shoulder as he cried, and the thought of Eddie crying too only made Buck hold onto him even tighter. Neither of them said another word until their eyes ran dry. They never let go of each other, well past the final tear drops. They both sat there shaking with their legs beneath them, knees digging into the hard wood floor, breathing in each other's scent, finding comfort in each other's warmth. 

Buck wanted to stay like this forever with Eddie in his arms, a physical reassurance that he was here, that he was _safe_. He never wanted to pull away again, but he eventually had to so he could wipe at his swollen eyes. Eddie sat back on the heels of his feet and watched him, expression troubled and ready to interrogate—something Buck didn't want to deal with right now, but he knew it was inevitable, especially after what just happened. It looked like he couldn't hold it off any longer. 

Eddie planted a hand on Buck's shoulder before he even had the chance of trying to make his escape, cementing him to his spot, and forcing him to face the older man. 

"Buck," Eddie started and he closed his eyes, trying to mentally prepare himself for whatever could possibly come out of Eddie's mouth and what he would have to say. "I'm sorry I scared you that night. I didn't think about how it might've affected you...especially with what you said earlier...about everything being your fault. Is that really what you think? You can't possibly blame yourself for what happened to me on call." 

Buck bit his tongue and looked away, which made Eddie huff and squeeze Buck's shoulder to get his attention again. 

"Buck, come on. You don't seriously think that, do you? That's ridiculous, man!" 

Something in Buck cracked. 

"But it _is_ my fault, Eddie!" Buck snapped and tore out of Eddie's grip to stand up. Eddie stood up with him but remained in his spot watching as Buck paced back and forth, anger and shame seeping out of his skin through every pore. "I wasn't fast enough on the rescue and I knew you needed more time, but I-I didn't fight hard enough at getting the team to listen to me and-and...I was...I was supposed to have your back but instead I turned mine and it almost killed you!"

Eddie gaped at Buck, watching the blond pace back and forth, and spill out everything he held in the past four days. He had trouble keeping up with how fast the man rambled in his frantic state. "Woah, woah, woah, slow down. What are you even talking about?"

"I don't know how you can stand to even look at me! All I do is hurt people. You should hate me! I don't deserve to be here with you and Chris after everything I've done to you guys! First the tsunami, then the lawsuit, then the accident, and now–"

"No, just _no_ ," Eddie stepped up to a still pacing Buck to stop him with another, more firm grab of not just one shoulder, but both to force him to look into Eddie's fired up eyes. "I don't even know where to start. The tsunami wasn't your fault and I've long since forgiven you for the lawsuit. I thought we were over that shit after we talked through it at your apartment, man! And as for the accident? It was my choice to go down the well and it was my choice to cut the line to save that boy. I knew it was dangerous and risky, and I knew the ground was unstable, but I did it anyway. That's on me, not you. You're holding onto misplaced guilt, Buck." 

Buck shook his head. "You don't understand, Eddie. You weren't topside. You don't know..."

"I wasn't but I saw the video, remember? I did see. I watched you push Bobby to the ground to protect him from the lightning and the explosion that caused the tipping oil rig, and I watched you dig at the ground to try and find me, and I know for a fact you would've dug for the rest of the night if Bobby didn't pull you away." 

"Please stop," Buck swallowed nervously and forced down the bile that rose in his throat from feeling exposed, stripped down to his skin and bones. Eddie saw him at his weakest and there was no going back from that. 

"No, I won't, because you need to hear this. I'm sorry I put you through that. I can't even imagine what you felt in that moment, but I can understand what it's like to feel helpless and scared of losing someone, to think of all of the things you could've done to prevent it from happening." 

"Eddie..."

"Did you forget that I was there when that truck crushed you and when you had that embolism? I couldn't bear the thought of losing another person I care about and in those moments, I was absolutely terrified. I know the tricks, Buck, and now that I know that that's what's going on inside your head, I'm not going to let it continue. I'm not going to let you blame yourself for something that was out of your control." 

The amount of words that left Eddie's mouth had rendered Buck speechless, scrambling to pick his jaw up off the floor and to conjure up a response. The determined chocolate eyes burned holes through Buck's watering retinas, but he couldn't look away, no matter how much he wanted to. Eddie's eyes sucked Buck right in, and he couldn't do anything but stand there and stare, heart pulsing throughout his whole body, from his head all the way down to his toes. 

He felt like he was vibrating. 

"I...It's different, Eddie," Buck argued with a shake of his head once he gathered himself. The conversation was not going how he thought it would, and Buck wasn't sure how to take it. He was ready for the blame, the disappointment, the inevitable loss, not _this_. He couldn't wrap his mind around the thought of Eddie not blaming him. It didn't make sense. 

Buck went on to explain as much, to get Eddie to open his eyes. "I couldn't even function and do my job after you went down. I had a panic attack and froze up and...I'm supposed to _help_ and save people! I couldn't turn off my emotions and focus and that...that could've killed you. I'm supposed to be a firefighter and I was...I was _useless_." 

"You _do_ help, Buck! Who was there to pick me up as soon as I found a way out?" 

"Eddie," Buck sighed but was cut off before he could say anything else. 

"Who was there to take me home from the hospital?" 

"Well, me, but—"

"And who stayed with me and took care of me for the next four days, helping me shower, taking care of the house, taking care of Chris, cooking us food..." 

"I get what you're trying to do, but it's not the same." 

"Do you? Do you get it?" Eddie asked, giving Buck's shoulders another squeeze. "Because this isn't about you being a firefighter or whatever mistakes you think you've made, and I need you to _listen_ to me when I say this: you didn't turn your back on me, and I don't hate you or blame you for a thing, so you shouldn't either." 

"But I should've–"

"But nothing," Eddie interrupted again, shaking his head. "Whatever you did or didn't do, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because at the end of the day, you can't change what already happened. What does matter is that I'm alive, right here in front of you, and I'm telling you that I don't blame you for anything, so what's the point of blaming yourself? All you're doing is hurting yourself and worrying those that love you." 

"I..." Buck didn't know what to say to that. 

"How is that helping anybody? What do you think blaming yourself will solve?" 

"I don't...I just," Buck hung his head and glared down at the floor, unable to meet Eddie's desperate, searching eyes for understanding. The air was thick and suffocating in the kitchen, Buck could barely breathe, let alone think and say anything else. 

He didn't know how else to explain to Eddie how he felt. He couldn't get Eddie to understand and it frustrated him. If he could just explain himself better, Eddie would finally realize and hate him like Buck deserved. 

"Alright, come on," Eddie said after a few beats of painful silence, and slid one of his hands down to Buck's wrist to drag him back through the hallway and into his office. 

The change of rooms helped clear the air some, it wasn't as stifling as before. It was as if the previous conversation and all the weight attached had been left at the kitchen table. Emotions were still running high, Buck could feel them radiating off of Eddie, but it was nothing compared to the heavy, loaded words lingering in the previous room. 

"Look around, tell me what you see."

Buck scanned the room with his red rimmed eyes and furrowed brows, confused. He spotted the familiar desk and chair with countless drawings, papers and a few picture frames resting atop the surface. Against the wall, there was a file cabinet and a bookcase filled with books, photo albums, more picture frames, and a few LEGO sets that had been put together. 

"Umm," Buck paused, unsure of what he was supposed to say. "Your...office?" 

Buck had only stepped foot in the room a handful of times to grab papers off of the printer if Eddie needed them. He never had any other reason to really go inside and look around since the majority of their time was spent either in the kitchen or living room. This was the first time he actually took the time to look around. 

Eddie sighed and pushed the larger man further into the room until they both stopped at the desk littered with drawings and papers. He picked up a picture of Chris smiling and handed it to Buck, who smiled down at the photo in his hands as Eddie explained. 

"I keep what's most important in here: Chris's school work, insurance papers, medical documentation, family photos, and other memories that mean a lot to us." 

Buck chanced a look over at Eddie but quickly averted his eyes when he met the intense, deep browns staring right back at him. Another photo caught his eye and he set the one in his hands down to reach for the other. It was a picture of the three of them, from that day at the mall when Chris met Santa. Chris had wanted a picture of the three of them before he went up to see Santa, so one of the elves snapped a picture for them. 

_"You two have an adorable son,"_ one of the elves gushed. Another smile broke across his face from the memory. 

The eyes on him barely even registered anymore as he sat down the picture to focus on the other one beside Shannon and Chris smiling together. It was a picture of Abuela's recent birthday with everyone huddled together. Buck and Eddie both rested a hand on Chris's shoulders, who stood in front of them. He couldn't help but think back to a particular conversation, one that lingered in the back of his mind with a million questions. 

_"Edmundo and Christopher are very happy when they're with you,"_ Pepa had said. _"You care a lot about them."_

_"I do. They make me happy too,"_ Buck responded, smiling in their direction, where the two giggled over something on Eddie's phone. 

_"You're a good man, Evan. I'm glad they found someone as special as you."_

_"Thank you, Pepa."_ The compliment made his cheeks and ears rosy, and his whole body fuzzy on the inside. 

_"A bond like yours is forever, but time is not, so don't be afraid to take the next step because lord knows Eddie moves at a glacial pace,"_ she then patted Buck's cheek and left him standing alone in the backyard, trying to understand what the hell she just said. 

Weeks later, Buck still didn't understand what she meant, but he didn't have much more time to think about it, as he was pulled out of his thoughts with a warm weight on his shoulder. 

"That was a good day," Eddie hummed with a small smile, his eyes were glued to the same picture Buck was just focused on. "You're the only person that Abuela has shown her secret Pozole recipe to. She even told me before we left that she wanted you to learn all her recipes for Chris since I'm a so called, _disaster in the kitchen_." 

Buck shrugged and bit back a small smile. "Can you blame her? I mean, you kinda are, Eddie." That resulted in a slap on the back of the head and he chuckled, making sure to look away from the scowl being sent in his direction. 

His eyes focused on the bookcase dead center in his vision then, and the finished LEGO sets lured him in, until he was stopped right in front of it, remembering the times he and Chris put them together. 

Buck had wanted to buy Chris a gift the first time he was invited over to the Diaz household, so he settled on a LEGO set with three small spaceships that they could all build together. 

Next to the spaceships, was the fire truck, and he had to shut his eyes for a moment to collect himself. 

The fire truck was the first set that he and Chris did together in Buck's apartment. It was the Saturday after being discharged from the hospital after his leg accident, and he was feeling depressed from having to be away from work and the 118, so Chris took it upon himself to spend the day with him to cheer him up while Eddie worked. 

_"We can be firefighters together until you get better!"_ Chris had said as he headed straight for the couch, and if Eddie saw how Buck had to look away to wipe the tears from his eyes, he never mentioned it. 

Buck couldn't stop staring at the legos, and at the picture of Buck and Chris at the park beside them, smeared chocolate ice cream adorning Chris's beaming smile. 

Familiar tears sprung in Buck's eyes, and the items before him blurred until he blinked it away. He cleared his throat and turned to Eddie, who was still next to him, and spoke with another uncomfortably large lump in his throat. 

"Why am I in here, Eddie?" 

"You _seriously_ still don't get it?" Eddie watched him in await for an answer, his eyes flickering up and down Buck's face as if the answer were plastered across his cheeks, forehead and eyes in broken pieces. 

"I mean, the family stuff and Chris's things that he's done—yeah I understand that's important to you, but I don't get the point of showing me."

It was silent for too long, and then Eddie was throwing his hands up and shouting, "because I want you to understand that you're important too, dumbass!" 

Buck's whole mouth went dry, and he was left staring with wide eyes and a pounding heart jumping into his throat as Eddie blew up around him. 

"What's it going to take for you to see just how much you mean to us — to _me_? I...You...Look around you, Buck! Almost everything in here ties back to you! You're apart of almost every memory we've made since living here because you are more than just a coworker and a friend. _You're family_ , don't you see that? Stop acting like you don't matter or have a place here! You act like you're waiting for us to just _throw_ you away." 

"I...You...I don't...I'm not..." Buck blinked and struggled for words. He couldn't comprehend what was happening right now. Buck never really knew what Eddie was thinking, because he never used to talk about things like this, about how he felt. He was a stone cold, brick wall when it came to emotion, but now it was pouring out of him at every seam, and Buck had no idea how to handle it, especially when it was about him. 

The thoughts in Buck's head didn't match the words coming out of Eddie's mouth. 

"Buck, what will it take for you to understand? I know I haven't said much in the past and that's my fault, but what more do I have to do? What more do I have to show you? _You_ were the first person besides Chris that I thought of when I was down there. I specially asked Bobby for you after what happened because _you_ were the one that I wanted to see and pick me up from the hospital. I wanted _you_ to stay with me because you are the _only_ person that understands me and keeps me grounded and-and keeps me from losing my goddamn mind. I wanted _you_ , Buck, no one else." 

"Eddie," Buck's voice came out in a soft, wet whisper, as he blinked away more tears and cleared away the stinging in his throat. 

The two had gravitated towards each other, until there was only a couple of inches of space between them. Buck didn't realize when they had stepped into each other's space, but there they were, and all he wanted to do was erase the rest. His insides were uncomfortably warm and the ants beneath his skin started crawling again, but not in a bad way like before. This was new but all too familiar, like a dance they had done many times before, but he couldn't pinpoint a single one through his muddled mind right now. 

"Chris and I...We have almost lost you too many times, okay, and we're not letting you go, _ever_. There is nothing you could say, think, or do, that would change that. You said I should hate you, but I could never hate you, Buck. You are one of the most important people in my life, and I'm sorry if I haven't done enough to show or tell you that, but I'm telling you now, and I will keep telling you until you believe that you are enough." 

Eddie cradled the back of Buck's head before pulling him down into a hug, and he ran his fingers through the wiry curls as tears slipped past Buck's lashes and wet his cotton shoulder. Buck's arms shook as he wrapped them around Eddie's leaner frame and melted into the body pressed against him. 

"I’m not going anywhere, so stop trying to make up excuses for me to push you away," Eddie scolded in Buck's ear, soft and gentle as Buck cried into the tightening hold. "It's not going to work. We're here to stay, Evan.”

Eddie's speech hit Buck right in the center of his deepest insecurity and left him winded, unable to catch his breath from the emotional impact of that implied promise. 

Buck couldn't remember a time when someone said anything like that to him, he was always left behind, discarded on the side of the road to pick himself back up and figure out where he went wrong, and why no one stayed. The more he gave, the more he hurt in the end, but he was desperate to be seen, to be heard and loved. He always chalked it up to the problem being him, that he just wasn't lovable or good enough to stay for...that he wasn't worth it. 

Hearing Eddie's words nearly knocked Buck off his feet. If it weren't for the strong arms around him, he wasn't sure he'd still be standing. They echoed in his ears and were etched into the walls of his hammering heart. He wondered if Eddie could feel how hard and fast his heart beat to the replay of Eddie's affirmation. 

He wondered if Eddie knew how much those words meant to him, how much he meant to him. 

"I hate that I couldn't protect you," Buck muttered into Eddie's shoulder, blinking away a few stray tears. Buck felt the returning sigh and tight squeeze. 

"I know, but you can't protect everyone from every single thing that life throws at us. It's not possible and trying to live up to that unrealistic expectation will only set you up for hurt," Eddie responded and Buck shut his eyes to focus on Eddie's voice and the vibrations from his chest as he spoke. While he knew that Eddie was right, he still didn't agree with it. "But you are protecting me now, for what it's worth, even if you don't see it." 

Buck couldn't help but pull back to meet Eddie's eyes after what he said and ask, "what do you mean?" 

Eddie watched him for a moment silent, biting his bottom lip as his eyes searched Buck’s, as if he were trying to find the strength to pull the words out of his mouth. Buck saw how he contemplated, words dying on his lips as he paused over and over again. It took Eddie a good minute to find what he was looking for, but once he did, he cleared his throat and spoke again, this time successfully. 

“When...When I was... _down there_ , I had flashbacks to the army–specifically the convoy. With the show and tell already on my mind, it didn’t take much for the loud banging and the small dark tunnel to set me off, but even after it was all over, I still couldn’t stop thinking about it, you know? And...I guess after thinking about it constantly during the day, it makes sense that I’d have dreams about it, or nightmares–”

Buck's hands, that had dropped from Eddie's back when he pulled away, moved to grab onto one of Eddie's hands to squeeze as he interrupted. "Nightmares? Shit, Eddie, I had no idea! Why didn't you say–"

Eddie reached up with his free hand and smacked it over Buck's mouth to get him to stop talking. "Well, if you let me finish, I was going to say that having you next to me actually helped with them because they weren't nearly as bad as usual. I read somewhere that having someone sleep next to you can give you a sense of security and help with relaxation."

Buck's, "oh," was muffled by Eddie's hand, but it was heard all the same and Eddie dropped his arm. Their other two hands were still clasped together, and neither made the move to let go. Buck wasn't sure what to make of it, but he decided to leave it for the time being, especially if Eddie wasn't saying anything either. They both squeezed each other's hands, they both acknowledged what was happening, so it would look weird if Buck pulled away now. 

"Yeah, _oh_ ," Eddie rolled his eyes with an amused smile and watched Buck's face with a gleam in his eyes. 

The following silence was heavily charged with tension that had Buck licking his lips and clearing his throat, suddenly hyper aware of how close they still were, and the warmth around his hand. It wasn't uncomfortable per se, but it definitely had Buck's heart leaping up into his throat all over again. His emotions were a rollercoaster today. 

"I Uh–That study...I think I read it somewhere," Buck mentioned and Eddie hummed with a nod, but didn't say anything else. He just stared down Buck with those deep, endless brown eyes, and Buck wanted to look anywhere but Eddie's face, but their eyes remained locked onto each other. "Sharing a bed can reduce the proteins involved with inflammation—cytokines I think—and boost oxytocin, which helps with anxiety." 

The warm, fond smile spread wider across Eddie's face, but before anything else could be said, his phone dinged and he dropped Buck's hand to grab his phone from his back pocket. Buck tried not to think about how cold and empty his hand immediately felt. 

It didn't work. 

"I had a reminder set for Chris's presentation in case I forgot," Eddie said and put his phone away. "We should probably clean up the kitchen and head out so we're not late. We can stop for pizza or something on the way home, unless you have other plans?"

Buck shook his head and squeezed Eddie's shoulder with a shy smile before heading towards the door. "No, that sounds good. Pizza’s always good." 

"Chris'll be excited for sure, but Buck," Buck stopped and turned around to face Eddie, "promise me we’ll talk later, okay?” 

Eddie watched Buck's reaction, but he gave nothing away before nodding and responding, "yeah, we'll talk after. Come on, let's go." Buck jerked his head in the direction towards the door and they both made their way back to the kitchen to clean up the mess before leaving to see Chris. 

Buck had no idea what just happened, and he had no idea what was going to happen later, but at least he had Chris's presentation and food to look forward to. 

He didn't realize until he was in the passenger seat, watching the profile of Eddie's concentrating face as they headed to Chris's school, that Buck never got the chance to turn the tables and get Eddie to talk about what happened like he did. He wanted Eddie to feel the same as he did with everything out in the open. 

Even though Eddie said that Buck helped with the nightmares, it still concerned Buck that he was having any nightmares to begin with, and thought he had to hide it until now. Buck understood that letting the nightmare thing slip was meant to reassure him, but it only made Buck more worried for the man beside him.

Eddie said he didn't blame Buck for what happened, but he hid the nightmares from him. Buck was right, Eddie wasn't as okay as he acted, so what else was he hiding, and why?

Last night, Buck thought that maybe it was because Eddie didn't trust him, but after everything Eddie said today, that couldn't be the case. Eddie also said he was here to stay and that he liked having Buck around, so he wasn't holding back because he was too scared to say that he wanted Buck gone. 

Was Eddie pretending and ignoring it so he wouldn't have to face the trauma head on? Maybe he hoped that those feelings would go away without having to deal with them. 

Or, did he still think he had to brush things off, that he wasn't allowed to feel it? That he had to deal with everything on his own? Frank had been working on that with Eddie for a while now, but maybe Eddie was still struggling with it more than Buck previously thought. 

But, if that were the case, then wouldn't have Eddie been adamant about letting Buck take control, and letting Buck bathe him and take care of him and Chris? 

The more Buck tried to figure Eddie out, the more confused he became. 

Before he could think up of any other ideas, however, they arrived at Chris's school, and then all thoughts were thrown out the window for the time being. All Buck could think about then was how excited he was to hear Chris's presentation and see that bright, proud smile on his face as Eddie told his story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear next chapter we finally get Eddie to talk too. I kinda got carried away with this chapter haha and I didn’t want Eddie’s side to feel rushed. I also keep going back and forth on if I should switch POVs for Eddie, but it’s been in buck’s this whole time idk if I should switch? Like to me it feels like it might be too random but also idk If I’d be able to go as deep into Eddie’s emotion if it has to come from bucks POV IDDKDKK


End file.
